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2019 Nov 09 - John Bercow's Gone

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The UK election about a month away and the chosen date (December 12th) is Frank Sinatra's birthday so depending on the result it will either be a case of "That's Life" or "Send in the Clowns" or perhaps Jeremy Corbyn will win in which case it's a case of "Fly me to the Moon"

But for voters in Buckingham, it's an especially exciting election because local MP and Speaker of the House John Bercow is stepping down so they actually get to vote in his constituency for the first time in a decade. Bercow's resignation is presumably part of the overall Westminster rebuilding that's seeing other forms rot and damage removed from the building. In his place Sir Lindsay Hoyle, the MP for Chorley, is going to be doing the job and please many by promising to bring back the more traditional aspects of the speakers job like the wig, robes, integrity and not being married to someone who sees the job as a way to make money from gossip magazines and the Daily Mail's celebrity sidebar. As for Bercow, I hope that he channels his Napoleon complex and applies for a job as an impersonator on the far and distant island of St Helena.

With a new speaker though, one of the lesser known parts of the handover is that the speaker gets a new scotch whisky made up for serving at the bars in Westminster. I actually got my father one of the Michael Martin bottles years back as a birthday gift and they're exceptionally good quality if you know anyone with access.

It's at this stage that I was going to spend a few minutes reciting some more John Bercow jokes but I'm already fed up with the mention of his name think David Cameron is the king of that skill really. He once told an anecdote about how Simon Burns (Health Minister) had bumped his car into John's. A furious Mr Bercow proceeded to storm out of his apartment shouting, "I'm not happy!" at which point Simon responded "Well, which one are you?"

Oh well, I always think it's important to be able to say at least one good thing about anyone, however bad they are, and so I'll end by saying that at least he's not been allowed to vote on anything this past decade. That's it really, all I can think of out of a decade of demented, delusional attention seeking arrogance.
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2019 Jun 15 - Iran Oil Tanker Attack

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Perhaps Iran should change its name to Irate because there's trouble afoot in the Strait of Hormuz after 2 oil tankers were attacked this week although I've been out that part of the world and frankly I don't see how a fire could have burned the boat worse than the regular day to day weather.

Anyway, the US has been quick to call out Iran as the mastermind behind it all, which seems a missed opportunity. Call me old fashioned but I would have liked to see the US organise a heads of state summit ......

2019 Jun 08 - D-Day Commemorations

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This week President Trump visited the UK and then headed over to France for the D-Day commemorations, personally I'd have done it the other way around: stock up with wine at the lower French prices before going to the Queen's party - are you expected to bring a bottle when you show up at the palace? Who knows, maybe he'd already bought a 40oz bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label at Duty Free when he was at the airport.

Back to the news, President Trump flew into London for the first part of his ......

2019 Mar 09 - North Korea Again

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Earlier this week I was wondering if Elton John liked Lettuce, then I realised that he was more of a rocket man. Well someone else who likes rockets is Kim Jong Un after satellite images this week revealed that the oversized dictator decided to rebuild the rocket launch site that had previously been destroyed.

Talks between the US and North Korea broke down recently so the communists decided to mark the occasion by rebuilding some rockets which will also almost certainly break down and fall int ......

2019 Mar 03 - India and Pakistan

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There was an especially high level of filler in the news this week, yet more articles about Brexit not to mention a selection of social and environmental stories that are about as newsworthy as if Fiona Bruce hosted a debate over whether to add the milk before or after the teabag. Yet in the mean time the world actually came pretty close to starting World War 3 this week when military tensions between India and Pakistan rose higher than an estimate for Jeff Bezos’ divorce bill.

The way that ......

2019 Feb 03 - Russian Threats

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There have been a lot of ludicrous scare stories in the press about how Brexit will lead to war, pestilence, the deaths of millions, Jimmy Savile coming back to life, all the iPhones being rounded up and other similarly sensationalist nonsense. To be honest I doubt anything could be worse than the current situation where Tony Blair is given air time and political debate is reduced to discussing how everything from healthcare or the price of a train ticket is as a result of Brexit, or sometimes a ......

2018 Aug 18 - Aretha Franklin & Trump's Military Parade

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This week saw the loss of music legend Aretha Franklin after her final major hit turned out to be morphine. I imagine that she's up there singing, RESPECT while recently deceased Barry Chuckle follows the line "you know what it means to me" with "means to you" Aretha passed away on the 16th which was also the same date that Elvis died and the same date that Pete Best was kicked out of the Beatles, thus loosing out on a lot of money, but at the same time avoiding having to ever spend time with Yo ......

2018 Aug 11 - Boris, Burkas and the Space Force

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Two stories this week and just like spellings of the word Colour, one is from the UK and one from America.

Let's first talk about Boris Johnson was embroiled in a row after making comments about women wearing the Burka resembling a postbox, a row possibly inspired by the thought that the next tory leadership election will involve sending out thousands of postal ballots to the party faithful. The comment or joke or hate speech or leadership stump, depending how you view it, attracted support fro ......

2018 May 26 - Korean Peace?

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Breaking news as the Korean Peninsula might be prepared to break out into all-out full-scale peace. Recently a book fell on my head and I only had my shelf to blame, but the the blame for the inability to agree to a peace deal for the past 60 years? Well that's long and complicated and largely above the pay grade of our current generation of politicians. Most recently, President Trump has been keen to sort out a peace deal as a grand plot twist to his real life reality tv series. Actually, when ......

2018 May 12 - Syria + Iran

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More fun and games in Syria this week, Israel launched an air attack and left the sort of destruction you normally only see when the Daily Mail runs an article about binge drinking and British town centers on a Friday night. In response, Bashar Al-Assad, wanting to look like a strong military leader, no doubt quoted that famous line by Lt. Colonel Custer at the Battle of Little Bighorn, namely "where are all those darned tomahawks coming from?!"

So what's happening then? Well Syria is currently ......

2018 Apr 22 - North Korea's Stopping it's Nuclear Testing

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On Saturday morning the world awoke to the news that North Korea had promised to give up its nuclear testing and missile launches. And I'm guessing Kim Jong Un woke up with an absolute stinker of a hangover and vaguely remembered making promises the previous night that he maybe regretted the morning after the night before. For him, I imagine phoning up Donald Trump at midnight is his equivalent of phoning an ex-girlfriend 10 minutes before the pub closes.

Maybe I'm being disingenuous and this w ......

2018 Apr 15 - Syria

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One of the problems with Syria is that we can either let President Assad remain in charge or we can force him out and let ISIS fill the power vacuum. It's like in the Star Wars prequels when Liam Neeson helped destroy that droid army but then he died and Jar-Jar Binks became a senator.

Maybe we could force Assad out and have an election in Syria, and the Russians definitely won't try to rig it with the hundreds of personal they have all over the country. If you've ever been to a carnival and wa ......

2017 Dec 31 - End of the Year

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It's the end of December and the end of 2017 and it's possibly the end of the line if you're the sort of person who originally became a politician or a tv celebrity to get close to the young female interns. Of course I'm joking, Kevin Spacey got into show business for the young male interns, he's probably looking forward to 2018 because he thinks there's 2000 of them.

Talking about "end of the line" though, one of the stories I'm sure we'll see a lot more about in the future was this week's ann ......

2017 Nov 18 - Coup against Robert Mugabe

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Robert Mugabe's leadership is something that the news organisations seem to refer to as "controversial" which is of course a polite way of saying you'd trust him to manage your economy the way you'd trust Harold Shipman to manage your end of life care. It's like if the newspapers had described the Kray twins as "cheeky chappies" or the BBC were moaning that the ISIS leadership seemed "set in their ways"

Anyway, Mugabe has been in charge of Zimbabwe for decades now, pushing forward with his own ......

2017 Oct 27 - Catalonia & JFK

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Another week and it’s pretty much still the same shouting match from Spain. The central government in Madrid has said that it’s going to take back direct control over Catalonia, while the seperatists have declared that they’re going to prepare an imminent motion for independence. But nobody’s actually done anything, it’s like a nightclub bar at 9 o’clock and everyone’s waiting for someone else to go onto the dance floor first. I guess Nicola Sturgeon and Leanne Wood would be the gi ......

2017 Sep 15 - New £10, New iPhone, Grenfell & North Korea

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Rather than focus on one main news story, this week we saw the launch of 4 new things so I thought we’d go through each of them one at a time:

Starting with #1, the Bank of England started handing out the new £10 note. Some journalists and campaigners were keen to point out that it’s first note produced in a while with a lady on it, while more observant commentators took the time to flip it over and look at the other side of the note where the Queen’s been sitting for the past 6 decades ......

2017 Aug 12 - Will North Korea Attack The USA?

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It’s possibly just days until Doomsday and it’s a face-off between Trump and North Korea with everything on the line! It’s a standoff like in a card game in a James Bond film, except that in a bizarre twist, Sean Connery’s wig is the most realistic hairpiece present at the card game.

But back to the latest threat, this time to nuke the remote US territory of Guam. They say that they want to create hell in the Pacific and I think that’s dreadful because Lee Marvin starred in a move cal ......

2017 Aug 05 - North Korea has a Missile

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North Korea is very much like a petulant attention seeking child and this week they got annoyed that we’d been paying too much attention to the other children, I mean countries, mostly the rolling human tragedy unfolding in Venezuela. Of course, if North Korea was a badly behaved child in the back of a car I suppose they might have shouted some swear words, but that’s more of an Anthony Scaramucci thing. He was sacked this week, forced to go after just 10 days, I’ve had milk that lasted lo ......

2017 Jun 29 - HMS Queen Elizabeth

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The opposition benches have been very keen to demand more public spending but it’s not as if Theresa’s not meeting them half way. She’s already pledged an extra £1bn worth of public spending, albeit heading for Northern Ireland as part of the cost of keeping the government in power. At £100m each, The DUP MPs are costing the same as top premier league footballers; ironically the last great premiere league footballer from Northern Ireland was George Best & he’d probably feel very much a ......

2017 Apr 14 - Trump Attacks Syria

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Last week President Trump decided to try out his new toys by launching a strike at Syria to show Assad that he’s the boss. This week, Syria’s already fixed the holes in the runway, presumably using some kind of secret military technology that is unavailable to the pothole division at my local council. The problem with the Syrian conflict is that it’s essentially the Assad Regime vs ISIS so if you want to do anything, it means you really have to state which of those two sides you support. I ......

2017 Apr 07 - Gibraltar and Ken Livingstone

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Last year the Remain campaign came out with some ludicrously over-exaggerated claims about what Brexit would mean: 3 million jobs lost, huge tax rises as well as the Islington branch of Waitrose having replace all the artisan Polenta dip with lard or whatever it is that Nick Clegg thinks poor people eat. However, now that Brexit is happening, they’ve decided to double down those stories and the latest claims is that a full scale military war with Spain is coming our way. I imagine that if it ......