It’s possibly just days until Doomsday and it’s a face-off between Trump and North Korea with everything on the line! It’s a standoff like in a card game in a James Bond film, except that in a bizarre twist, Sean Connery’s wig is the most realistic hairpiece present at the card game.

But back to the latest threat, this time to nuke the remote US territory of Guam. They say that they want to create hell in the Pacific and I think that’s dreadful because Lee Marvin starred in a move called “Hell in the Pacific” and it was amazing and I don’t want to bring his good name into disrepute. But cut to the chase, essentially it’s a scary time to live in Guam and I like World War 2 movies the same way that Radio 4 likes liberal sociology professors.

Of course it’s not just Guam, If you live in North Korea it’s a pretty scary time too, albeit for entirely domestic reasons. Here’s a great North Korean joke for y’all: Why did they chicken cross the road? And the answer is: he didn’t. There are no chickens. The government ate all the chickens and soon you will be forced to die in a war procreated by the apparatus of the state.

Yeah I know, it loses something in translation I suppose. Say what you will about American foreign policy, at least it’s country that gave us folk like Louis CK, Seinfeld, Richard Pryor Chris Rock and Tina Fey, not to mention Al Gore and his latest film, go see it, it’s hilarious, I’m joking of course.