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2019 Dec 14 - Election Aftermath and the Labour Party

Boris Johnson has been re-elected and Jeremy Corbyn has resigned after being shown to be as popular on the doorstep as that childhood joke where you set fire to a paper bag with a dog poop in it. I thought this week I'd look at the online Labour reaction, using the 7 stages of grief framework.

1) Shock
When the BBC Exit poll first came out, people were astonished, to see something on the BBC saying something positive about the Conservative Party. It was surreal, like watching an episode of Through The Keyhole where Lloyd Grossman broke into the house before making off with the contents.
2) Denial
The denial part is where Corbyn Supporters saw the results and assumed that there must be several hundred Labour contituencies to declare. Even several days after all the counts are long done. Even putting Dianne Abbott in charge of the recount couldn't have fixed things though because the real denial though has been over the past 4 or years though, denying that Corbyn is unpopular outside of London. Denying that Brexit is happening, Denying the time of day to anyone that disagrees. That brings us to
3) Anger
Anger at traditional Labour voters who were apparently too brainless to do what they're told. The internet is a pretty dark place, just look at the anonymous comments underneath news stories about Prince Andrew, many of which are darker and more evil than the crimes being alleged. But the worst anger is reserved for the idiot, stupid, racist, bigoted, simpleminded scum that refused to vote for their local candidate who had cancelled a wine tasting and flown in all the way from Highgate to visit them.
4) Bargaining
This is where they think that it will be ok because the EU has the power to cancel Brexit, or the court system will intervene or maybe half the conservatives will still in principle be in favour of a 2nd referendum like that time Rory Stewart wanted to start a new parliament run from the upstairs room in a local pub. This sort of stuff is probably the most delusional part so far, more than that nonsense about putting Clive Lewis in charge of the nations broadband or banning airplanes or thinking that the British Army should spend the spring writing handwritten apology letters to Gerry Adams.
5) Depression.
Yes a lot of Labour students are depressed but the most depressed people surely are Theresa May who just witnessed Boris do what she couldn't, as well as Nick Clegg who knows that Boris is there for 5 years thanks to the rules that he put in place and the referendum that he spent years in opposition agitating for. There will be bearded man handing out presents this Christmas, but it won't be Jeremy Corbyn, although I suppose some Labour activists will take solace with the fact that St Nicolas was from the Middle East because everyone knows when a Turkish immigrant enters your home in the middle of the night it's because society is racist and the system (and you specifically) forced them to do it.
6) Testing.
This is where you finally "seek realistic solutions" which in political activism terms means the usual rubbish: Britain has changed for the worse and they're going to escape it and emigrate. Obviously they're not but it's important to suggest it so their friends know how liberal and left-wing they are. Actually, I will give Tony Blair some credit when it comes to this: fake mid-atlantic accent, 5-star hotel stays in Davos and a tan that makes him resemble the Cuprinol man, he's at leas made a decent go of staying as far away from the scene of his crimes as possible.
7) Acceptance.
This hasn't happened quite yet, the party isn't there, and be until a new leader takes control and does a full-scale review of what happened. As a shortcut guide though, 3 important questions to ask any Labour leadership candidates would be: "Was Bin Laden a goodie or a baddie?" "Do you think that Mossad controls editorial decisions on The One Show?" and "Do you know how to eat a bacon sandwich?"
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2019 Dec 08 - UK Election a Few Days Away

It's been a very busy time of year for letterboxes, between the Christmas Cards, the election pamphlets as well as the usual assortment of local takeaway menus. Those places are presumably hoping to cash in on people burning their Christmas dinner and order in pizza, chicken wings and lamb kofta.

Those pamphlets though, there's only a couple more of them to come as it's just the last final couple of days before the election and I imagine for MPs it must feel a bit like being back at school a ......

2019 Dec 01 - London Bridge Attack

Carnage this week in London, at least that's what a lot of Arsenal fans will be saying down the pub, after the sacking of Unai Emery after 18 months of abysmal managerial malaise that made Leanne Wood look like Queen Victoria. David Cameron hasn't made a comment on that story, though it's probably because he can't remember if that's one of the teams he claims to support or not.

But the big story of course this week was of course a different kind of arsenal, the kind that armed police carry on t ......

2019 Nov 16 - Bad Election Week for Labour

I always have a bit of a laugh looking up the latest headlines and seeing what nonsense the BBCs website considers news. Example, "Could invisible barcode revolutionise recycling?" to which of course the answer is "could I care less?" Well the apparently the answer is yes I could care less about certain things, namely the ins and outs of the Labour Party manifesto because thanks to an week of political ineptitude, it has about as much chance of becoming reality as that dream I had where a Zebra ......

2019 Aug 10 - Jeremy Corbyn wants The Queen to make him PM

Looking over the news this week, I wondered if the climate protesters were up to their usual tricks in London but it turned out to just be the 50th anniversary of the Beatles Abbey Road album and a bunch of idiots commemorated it by blocking the zebra crossing, which happens to be on a major road, while observing motorists sat motionless, wishing that the fans would start recreating the latter minutes of John Lennon's life.

There's also headlines about a power outage, although on further inspec ......

2019 Apr 27 - Nigel is back for the European Elections

If scientists ever develop a beer that comes in capsule form, then you could say that it was a "bitter pill to swallow" Apologies, that was dreadful, but something that is going to be a bitter pill to swallow for establishment politicians is that there's some elections coming down the line. In the past you'd normally get 2 parties, both of whom were variations on the same, like having to choose between water and molten ice. However, in both Europe and the US the last year or so has seen the emer ......

2019 Apr 06 - May Asks Corbyn for Help

I was once told by a motivational speaker to stand up for what I believe in, and I wondered, "what if it's comfy chairs?" Well this week Theresa May continued to stand for nothing and show no shame as she decided to invite Jeremy Corbyn in for talks, in a similar but different manner to that in which the Ulster police used to regularly invite in Mr Corbyn's friends in for questioning. This has of course gotten nowhere because Jeremy Corbyn is ideologically opposed to both aspects of what she's a ......

2018 Sep 29 - Labour Party Conference

Well the US Supreme Court decision has delayed for a week. That's almost as long a delay as a Southern Rail train! So in the meantime let's talk about the Labour Party Conference which was held this last week in Liverpool. They were in Brighton last year which frankly always came as a surprise to me as there's not too many Bright'uns in the leadership right now

Anyway, there was much of what you'd expect, everyone out-doing each other with speeches about how much they hate money and why they sh ......

2018 Sep 01 - Anti-Semitism in the Labour Party

Ok, Frank Field and possibly others are finally quitting the Labour Party so it's time to get round to talking about anti-semitism and Jeremy Corbyn's purposeful woeful attempt to eradicate it. Until a couple of years ago the Labour Party was run by Ed Miliband, someone who claimed to be not just jewish but a modern sort of jewish where you get to eat bacon sandwiches and have your own set of ten commandments carved up except instead of Judaeo-Christian laws they're actually vague promises about ......

2018 Jun 16 - World Cup and US-China Tariffs

The world cup has kicked off, or at least the ball has been kicked, the cup itself remains safely in the cabinet, much like David Davis in spite of his threats to the contrary. The football tournament though, that's being held in Russia over the next couple of weeks. If you're an England fan it's not long to wait until that moment when they fail to win and Gareth Southgate is forced to inevitably resign over his sole responsibility for England failing to be the best team in the entire world, no ......

2018 May 06 - Trump Update + UK Local Elections

The US has spent the week watching the President Trump/James Comey/Stormy Daniels stories continuing to move along with the sort of pace normally more associated with a snail, or a car in London ever since they closed half the roads for bicycle use only. I think the plan is that if Robert Mueller's evidence doesn't turn out to be conclusive enough, Trump will have already been in office for 8 years so he'll have to legally vacate the White House anyway.

So let's talk about London though. There ......

2018 Apr 27 - Royal Baby + Trump + Macron

This week the UK saw an assault of royal commemorative plates being launched with Kate giving birth to another child and Prince Charles cracking open a tincture of homeopathic champagne to celebrate. The baby weighed just over 8 pounds making it just slightly heavier than the special commemorative supplement you'll be removing from this week's Sunday paper; I guess it's up to you whether you use it for lighting the barbecue or stash it away in a cupboard as an investment, it could potentially tr ......

2018 Feb 24 - Jeremy Corbyn the Spy?

This week I thought we'd talk about the Jeremy Corbyn spy story. Yes I know that the US school shooting thing is possibly a bigger news story but I try to keep these things funny and the gun control debate is about as light hearted as a poem by Wilfred Owen.

So to quote the security services "let's talk about Jeremy Corbyn." Was he a spy? Or did he think that novel "The Spy Who Came In From The Cold" was something about winter fuel costs and an excuse to re-nationalise the gas industry?

The ba ......

2018 Jan 13 - Trump and S***hole Countries

This week I'd initially planned to talk about Theresa May's cabinet reshuffle except that frankly the most visible change was that the various cabinet ministers changed their shirts and ties between day one and day two. The main news this week (of course) was from Washington DC where the president decided to draw attention to himself. Sure presidents love to steal the show, Bill Clinton famously carried a saxophone with him in order to outshine George Bush or Ross Perot should the situation aris ......

2017 Sep 30 - Labour & Conservative Party Conferences


So a few days ago saw the end of the Labour party conference and a fun time was had by all, just as long as you weren’t Laura Kuenssberg, or wanting to play ‘Things Can Only Get Better’ on the jukebox. Party conferences are always curious state managed affairs these days. Originally they were for the grass roots members and MPs to meet and discuss what direction the party should go in, in the case of the Labour party the centre ground, to the left, the far left or extreme left. But no nee ......

2017 Sep 07 - Hurricanes and Jeremy Corbyn

Not content with the damage it’s already done to the ExxonMobil share price, the Caribbean has another three storms moving in; the latest one (Hurricane Irma) has pretty much wiped out Barbuda and Hurricanes Jose and Katia are forming out at sea. I suppose hurricanes come in 3 or 4s like busses, although if I was a cyclist I’d frankly rather take my chances with hurricane Irma than take on a Bendy Bus.

The names of these storms by the way are preassigned and go up alphabetically, earlier in ......

2017 Aug 24 - GCSE Results

In the UK, Parliament it still on recess and across the pond, it’s been nearly a week since Donald Trump sacked anyone. Indeed, the main story for quite a few days was the furore about silencing Big Ben for a few years so they can repair some of the stonework. It was getting pretty tense until the clock finally struck 11 o’clock and the pubs opened so journalists and MPs alike had someone else to go

Luckily enough for the news starved newspapers, exams results came out this week. One great ......

2017 Jul 28 - Banning petrol cars by 2040 plus Brexit


One of the problems with making promises is that you tend to be held to account, so this week we saw a promise about getting rid of petrol and diesel cars by the tear 2040. That’s 23 years from now when a lot of the politicians will be retired, deceased, rotting in a club in St James’ or simply arguing about how many more leadership elections it will take to oust Jeremy Corbyn. Given how electric cars have been coming along though it’s all fairly silly really, there’s an expression that ......

2017 Jun 21 - Bad Week for Theresa May

The last week or so has shambles of bad press management from the government. Not reallya good time to be a spin doctor at Downing Street: it must feel like you’ve taken controls of a burning plane and successfully landed it on an aircraft carrier that’s just been struck by a torpedo.

The Grenfell Tower fire was a genuine tragedy but in the days since Theresa May managed to come across as detached and unemotional, she was probably depicted worse in the press than the owner of the company th ......

2017 Jun 09 - Shock Election Result!

So it's the morning after the night before and we got a shock result. Theresa May thought it would be a rubber stamping exercise, like getting your passport renewed except it was more like one of those awful bank applications where you have to supply 2 utility bills and then you're declined because due to a typo

Hats off to Jeremy Corbyn though, he didn't actually win a majority but he sure as heck managed to defeat the Blairites in the Labour party and that might mean we've finally seen the l ......

2017 May 24 - Manchester Bombing

Another attack, this time in Manchester, and as usual the only good news is that there’s now one less terrorist in the world. Seems that once again it was a lone nut-job, although ISIS have since claimed responsibility which shows that they’ve got the same ‘management claiming all the credit’ problems that other organisations have, we’ve all had jobs like that I suppose.

Manchester is a great place though, in spite of George Osbourne trying his hardest to dilute its ‘Madchester’ ......

2017 May 19 - Election Catchup

We’re halfway through the election campaign so I thought we’d take a look at what the various parties stand for, seeing as how we’ve not had have Ed Milliband chiseling anything onto a demented novelty gravestone this year.

The Conservatives are frankly miles in the lead following Theresa May’s media strategy of keeping Boris and all other the Gaffe prone MPs away from a microphone. She’s also promising to deliver on Brexit in order to finally put and end to Nick Clegg who increasingl ......

2017 Apr 19 - Election 2017 Announced

So it’s 5 week to go until the next general election after Theresa May decided take everyone by surprise, very much like a school teacher posting a surprise test on the first day back. If it was a surprise maths test, it really wouldn’t be looking good for a lot of people in the Labour Party although the they do know a lot about “Division” and Dianne Abbott knows about “pi” and, oh dear, Ken Livingston just read the word “Axis” and he’s off on another rant about the war…

Bac ......

2017 Mar 03 - The Award for Worst Infighting Goes to

In amongst all the poverty and despair and general horribleness endemic in today’s torrid world, the Hollywood elite in their ivory tower were rocked to the core last weekend when a competition for best movie went briefly and mildly astray and it was even suggested that Vladimir Putin, not content with supposedly rigging the US election also had firm views on cinema and in particular the hit musical La-La-Land. I guess that the KGB must have a lot of time on their hands these days if that’s ......

2017 Feb 24 - Corbyn vs Trump

A lot of people in America think that President Trump is some sort of Manchurian candidate, groomed by the KGB to have a buffoon in Washington so that the world turns to Vladimir Putin for relatively sensible world leadership. You’d think it would be easier for Putin to just buy a new shirt+tie and leave the horses alone? If there’s a grain of truth in it I certainly hope it’s not a grain of Polonium 210, that’s how they do things over there…

Contrast that to the UK where some people ......