Happy new year, and if anyone else is doing dry January, I'll raise my glass of dry chardonnay to you. I was putting the Christmas decorations back in the attic when I came across a Christmas present I meant to give the kids 2 weeks ago. It's a shame, they'd have loved that puppy.

Bill Gates has got yet another scheme on the go to make life more unpleasant for everyone. This particular scheme is one in which he's going to be turning human waste into drinking water. Given his wealth, I assume that just means he's going to buy whichever brewery it is that makes Fosters

A news story about how the deputy leader of Hamas was killed in an explosion. Oh well, at least he died doing what he loved. Someone else who died here, Tom Wilkinson, star of the Full Monty or as it's now known, the 80% Monty. I was looking to see if they played the song Hot Stuff at his cremation. And there's also a headline saying that the former head of Kids Company has died. I thought Jeffrey Epstein was killed a few years ago.

Someone who was great buddies with Epstein was Prince Andrew who was in the news this week after the release of anonymous names of people who visited the island. Supposedly he and Fergie were apparently thinking of remarrying so let's see how that goes now. Although either way I'm guessing she's going to soon realise that he's only after his money. Bill Clinton was frequently referenced in the documents although it begs question of whether he should go to prison or whether it's a harsher punishment to force him to live with Hilary for the rest of his life. I was eagerly waiting him to give a vaguely sarcastic piece to camera explaining "I did not have relations with those girls, on the island" like he did in the 90s. Most curious was the mention of Professor Stephen Hawking although I'm not quite sure how that would work anyway and could the girls not copy of the old Dr Who and the Daleks idea of "going up some stairs" Say what you will about Davros, he tried to murder billions of people and conquer the universe but he has his limits and never contemplated going near Jeffrey Epstein's island. Although the same can't be said for other 1970s BBC tv personalities.