The Queen is dead at the age of 96. Another one bites the dust, but wait, didn’t Freddie Mercury die years ago? Of course not, this is Elizabeth II (or Elizabeth I if you’re Nicola Sturgeon) and there must be a local florist in Balmoral rubbing his hands together at the moment. The news is reporting that she died peacefully in her sleep although there’s a rumour going around that she was actually busy cutting the brakes underneath Meghan Markle’s car when the jack slipped. Her last words were supposedly, “Lizz Truss Prime Minister? Over my dead body!”

But sad times all round, unless you’re Elton John’s publisher or you’re in the commemorative plate industry. At this point people can now look forward to 2 weeks of round the clock news and tributes; a number of tv stations broke the story by showing a flag and playing the national anthem but I can’t help but feel playing God Save The Queen is a bit late now that she’s already snuffed it. Of course, being Scottish, I only bothered to learn the lyrics to the national anthem a couple of years ago, and yet now it seems they’re going to be changing them! I’m going to be honest, initially when I heard that “God Save The Queen” was going to be changing to “God Save The King” I thought it was yet another stunt from the transgender activists.

Joking aside though there are of course important matters of state to consider, like how are they going to fit Charles’ ears onto the new coinage. And I can’t help but feel that it all comes as a bit of a kick in the teeth to the Royal Mail who will presumably have to spent millions of pounds changing the ER signs on the postboxes, all of which could have been avoided if the Queen had called her first song Edward. Anyway, I’ll leave you with this one. Q: What’s the difference between the Queen and Price Phillip’s Land Rover? A: The land rover could reach 100.