A little bit late this week, I was waiting to see what would happen to Matt Hancock. In the end, the Welsh Football squad did manage to outlast him (just) before he was finally forced to resign from his job, before also resigning himself to getting a right earful from the wife this summer. Or maybe he’ll continue the politics and lies at home though and continue to strenuously deny what happened, perhaps with a questionable story about them not kissing and how he was just trying to save taxpayer money by sharing some chewing gum. Either way, Sajid Javid has his job now and promises to “learn from his predecessor's mistakes” which presumably means “knowing where the cameras are located.” I’ve never been entirely sure what makes MPs imagine that they can carry out a surreptitious affair in one of the most heavily surveilled buildings in the country but either way it seems evident that the Health Secretary (sorry, *former* Health Secretary) decided to research how the health service works by watching Carry On Matron (ooh er missus!). Certainly that would explain the lack of competence and general ineptitude. Now I think of it a Carry On movie set in downing street would be pretty good if you had a time machine, Kenneth Williams looked a bit like Michael Gove, I’d imagine Carrie Johnson would be played by Babs Windsor and I could see Hattie Jacques playing Emily Thornberry. Anyway, in real life the only real surprise was that someone actually got sacked by Boris Johnson for cheating on their wife, although I guess the empathy maybe explains why he was able to hang on for a few days longer than he would have been able to 5 years ago. Just be careful saying that the resignation was overdue though, otherwise some Labour activists might mishear you, think it was over a jew and start posting anti-Semitic conspiracy theories.

Talking about conspiracy theories the other story this week was the American report published by the Pentagon into UFOs. This was looking specifically at 144 reports made about the phenomena since 2004, and the general gist is that they’re real but they don’t know what they are. In other words: the aircraft equivalent of those spikey vegetables they sell at my local Asian supermarket. Officially there’s speculation that the videos might be of experimental Russians or Chinese aircraft, but mostly likely these are American made and this is all just a way to get it on tv to show of what they have and scare anyone who might want to attack the US air force in the future. Enemies like North Korea or Iran, or hospitals or schools that were in the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s worth remembering that the SR71 flew at Mach3 and was designed in the early 60s and that the B2 stealth bomber was designed half a century ago so it’s likely that despite how inefficient and corrupt military-industrial complex is, it could probably have come up with something fancier in the intervening years. Or perhaps it’s aliens. If so then it’s pretty damning: that they flew trillions of miles to get here, watched an episode of Love Island and decided to turn around and go home.