2020 Apr 26 - Kim Jong Un Dead?

One of the more interesting stories to appear this week as been the news that the North Korean leader has died at the age of 36, a remarkable young age really though very much in line with North Korean life expectancy. It’s actually a rather strange story as it has been commonly reported except for the main tv networks which are waiting for the press release to drop before they decide to run the tape and finally get on with the macabre discussion of who will be taking on the new role as leader. Look forward to a few days of television anchors speaking to experts, former diplomats as well as perhaps a singer promoting a new album that walked into the wrong studio. Their opinion, based on utter guesswork, will probably be just about as accurate in the world of political fortune telling that has a track record littered with more failures than Henry VIII marriage councillor.

Running North Korea though, It’s a dangerous job and with the US ready to launch an attack at any point, the job is seen by many as a poison chalice. You could quite literal be passed a poisoned chalice at dinner by a rival member of your family. Assuming Kim has died though, who will be the next dear leader? Who are the possible Candidates?

1) Kim Yo-Kong, the supreme leader's sister is the front runner. She’ll probably get the job and she’ll probably spend the first week or so making a list of enemies she wants to disappear, and hundreds of officials will be murdered and thousands of civilians will die in labour camps. Despite this she will held up as a progressive bastion of feminism, Jeremy Corbym will blame the west, a Guardian article will say that Pritti Patel is worse and the BBC will attribute Kim Jong-Un's death to NHS underfunding.

2) A Military takeover. This one would be a bit more fun I guess from an audience perspective, a bit like watching a badly made remake of Scarface. I’m imagining some sort of scramble for power with bullets flying and presumably bounding of the hundreds of medals that those generals always have covering their chest that make them look like an armoured soldier from the shogunate era. Given the country's repeated failure to develop a ballistic missile it's not hard to imagine one of the top brass saying that if you want something done properly then do it yourself.

3) If you fancy a flutter, Dennis Rodman is an long odds bet that you might want to put a fiver down on if you’re the sort of person who likes to bet on horses at 100-1. Stranger things have happened, remember when Leicester City won the premiere league or when Madonna was in charge of Argentina? At least I think that's what that film is about. Nonetheless, for reasons that I’ve never quite understood, or been bothered to research, Dennis Rodman is phenomenally popular in that country, well ahead of other celebrities like Tom Hanks or Lionel Messi. What’s strangest of all is that if you want a celebrity that can defend your country, the only answer would surely be to recruit Chuck Norris. Rumour has it that Chuck Norris once downed an enemy fighter plane by pointing at it with his finger and saying “bang”

4) Perhaps they will claim that he is still alive or that he’s ruling the country as some sort of ghost or spirit, like the bad guy in a poorly CGI’d movie. They have an weird cult for the ruling dynasty and I wouldn’t put it past them to do a Norman Bates and run the place with a Ouija board. I'm not sure if the North Korea's have an equivalent figure to Derek Acorah but I can imagine him going on stage, saying that the spirits felt very strong and asking if there's a Jong in the audience.
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