2023 Jan 21 - New Zealand


Alec Baldwin is going to be charged with involuntary manslaughter over the accident on his films-set last year. In response his lawyer has come out all guns blazing, except in his case it's just a metaphor.

Rishi Sunak was fined by the police for not wearing a seatbelt, even Jimmy Saville was better behaved than that. Admittedly it does mean he will stay true to his word about helping with the government finances, in so much as he's going to be contributing £100 to the coffers. This puts him about twenty quid ahead of Nadhim Zahawi, the former Chancellor who is (of course) under investigation by HMRC. Astonishing really, although if you're going to be out of office in 2 years anyway then what's the point in maintaining a charade of decency.

Ukrainian president Zelensky was pleading with Western governments for some tanks. I'm not sure if the MOD has any spare tanks but I do know a bunch of ambulances sat around doing nothing if he's interested in any of those. Junior Doctors are apparently going to be going on strike soon although that does mean you might be able to see a senior doctor.

Maybe the largest story this week was the downfall of New Zealand Prime Minister Ardern who this week decided to jump before she was shoved as a number of grossly shortsighted policy chickens have come home to roost. Much of this started with a covid lockdown policy that went beyond punitive to bordering farcical, especially when it failed to prevent covid entering the country, all while peoples lives and businesses went to the wall. Just one example was Charlotte Bellis, who was in the Middle East when she found out she was pregnant. She was then banned from entering New Zealand and ended up travelling to Afghanistan because it was the only country she had a visa for. To clarify, this was a pregnant unmarried woman and she was treated better by the country run by the Taliban than President Ardern.

There's an old joke that if you leave alphabet soup on the stove for too long, it could spell disaster. Something else that spells disaster is making it next to impossible to enter a country that's highly reliant on international tourism. Today the borders may be open but the tourist industry will take years to recover, if it ever does and meanwhile the cost of living has gone through the roof, not helped by a green policy that makes the SNP seem vaguely sensible. One initiative to help the economy going was a policy "KiwiBuild" which aimed to construct 100k houses, of which only a thousand or so actually got built and all this is against a backdrop of a crimewave that has made New Zealand look more like New York (in the 1970s). The government made a huge deal about its ban on guns but it's done very little to put a stop or even put a pause to violent crime or theft, which has rather depressingly seen criminals increasingly target basic shops selling things like food.

Oh well, If I ever met the man who invented zero, I'd say "thanks for nothing"
Most New Zealanders feel exactly the same as their former Prime Minister.
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2023 Jan 15 - News Update

A space launch in cornwall went wrong after an anomoly caused it to land in the sea. A government spokespeson was reported to say that they should have gotten Harry Kane to launch it. Whilst a North Koreak government spokesman said that the kingdom would retaliate by firing *two* rockets into the sea. A number of smug neurosurgeons looked at the dejected rocket scientists and commented that it was hardly brain surgery.

Lisa Marie Presley passed away at the age of 54. The family are reported to ......

2023 Jan 08 - Prince Harry "Spare" Book

It's a new year although that may be confusing to those who are only now just starting to receive their Christmas cards.

The new year celebrations in London included a long sequence of blue and yellow fireworks as a nod to the war in Ukraine. And I'm sure that the Ukrainian refugees watching from the banks of the Thames found the sounds of explosions and gunpowder very comforting.

Pope Francis gave a talk in which he implied that members of the mafia should be excommunicated from the catholic ......

2022 Dec 18 - Frosty the Snowflake

Frosty the Snowflake
Was a bitter lefty soul
With an EU flag and a Waitrose bag
And obsessed with banning coal

Frosty the Snowflake
Was a fairytale they say
He was made of snow but the Guardian know
Say how he came to life one day

There must have been some magic
In that face-mask he still wore
for when he and his mate went to visit the Tate
he glued himself right to the floor

Oh, Frosty the Snowflake
Was alive as he could be
he campaigned for more tax and made regular attacks
at the lives of ......

2022 Dec 11 - World Cup & Harry & Meghan

"Its coming home, it's coming home", the plane with England's coming home, if that's what you mean. There's always talk about expectations and whether the bar was set to high, but from what I could tell, the crossbar would have had to be about 8 feet higher for that goal to have gone in. Although on the plus side, if you were one of the fans sat right at the back in seat ZZ99 then you might have stood a chance of catching the ball.
​​Maybe some less time spent on activism and kneelin ......

2022 Dec 03 - Rishi Sunak's Titanic

Europol made 49 drug arrests and took down a super-cartel that apparently controlled a third of Europe's cocaine supply. So much for having a White Christmas.

Will Smith did an interview and blamed the Chris Rock incident on pent up anger stemming from an abusive childhood. If only social services had taken him out of the situation years ago and sent him to live with a rich uncle in LA

Christmas is coming soon and Prince Andrew has asked for an Amazon Alexa. Officials have arranged for Alexa t ......

2022 Nov 28 - News Roundup

According to the BBC, two boys, aged 16, died in London after being stabbed a mile apart. That Must have been an exceptionally long knife.

There’s a report out about the number of restaurants being forced to close due to the ruinous cost of gas and electricity. I asked my local Chinese place if they’d struggled with the cost of keeping the lights on, and the owner told me he’d had to Dim Sum

There’s also talk about raising the retirement age, years earlier than planned. As things stand ......

2022 Nov 20 - Qatar 2020

It is the start of Qatar world cup, an event that like like Britain's financial mess has been years in the making and which will likely end with England doing very badly. This is a football tournament being played in the desert because the governing body and corruption go together like copy and paste, which is coincidentally the method by which they printed the voting ballots several years ago. I was going to say that they go together like Gin & Tonic or Beer & Football except that brings us to ......

2022 Nov 13 - News Roundup + US Midterms

Why did the Just Stop Oil protestor cross the road? Because the angry motorist was dragging her by her stupid purple hair. And talking about protests, someone threw an egg at the King, presumably as part of a “Just Stop Royals” protest. Charles later said he wouldn’t have minded if they’d at least been free range or organic.

Also inflation remains in the news, and I think the biggest giveaway is that the economists and newsreaders are talking about the price of an average “basket of g ......

2022 Nov 06 - News Roundup

Matt Hancock has had the whip withdrawn as he will be taking part in the ITV show “I’m a Celebrity” although it’s unclear whether he will face a challenge where a bosun uses said whip on the contestants as they row across a river. There’s a lot to be said about politicians needing to eat humble pie occasionally but even a lot of Labour supporters would maybe say that the things on the bush-tucker trial go a bit far, with the exception of Dianne Abbot who’d ask what it was I said a mi ......

2022 Oct 30 - News Roundup

Rishi Sunak completed his coup and settled into the job, part of which involved proving that he’s in touch with the common man. That’s why he decided to meeting with people who are not as wealthy as he is, like King Charles at the palace and several FTSE100 leaders who have to make do with living in a house and ordering in their own groceries. Rishi and the King have much to talk about and celebrate, he is after one of the longest serving prime ministers this month. Talking about King Charle ......

2022 Oct 23 - Rishi Sunak PM

I hear that at hospitals across the land, they’ve given up asking patients if they can remember who the prime minister is, because this last week there has been only one story: Liz Truss’s discovery that a week may be a long time in politics, but 44 days is in fact a darned short time to be Prime Minister although to give her some credit, she managed to outlast Pope John Paul I as well as Brian Clough’s management of Leeds United. Think of her like one of Henry VIII’s wives, in so much a ......

2022 Oct 16 - Kwasi Kwarteng Sacked

Some fossil fuel protesters decided to throw tomato soup onto Van Gogh's 'Sunflowers' at the National Gallery. I can only imagine that they expect the gallery to replace all the oil paintings with watercolours and that in Heinz-sight the gallery regrets letting them in

Robbie Coltrane passed away this week at the age of 72. I’ve not got a joke about that but I hear that Frank Carson does and it’s a cracker.

John Cleese is going to be hosting a program on GB News, focusing on things like c ......

2022 Oct 09 - Ukraine War Update

King Charles is apparently going to have to wait until next year to get his crown. It says a lot about the state of the country that even the King can't get a dentists appointment
According to the national statistics office, the number of heroin users is ‘shooting up’
Liverpool, the city that the Beatles came from, is going to host the Eurovision song contest next year, which is like letting Paris Hilton live in Albert Einstein's house.

This decision came after the ongoing war in Ukraine wh ......

2022 Oct 02 - Lizz Truss Starts as PM

It’s been quite a busy week or two for Liz Truss as she settles into the new job, new email account, testing out the coffee machine and discovering that HR is not in fact Human Resources, but High Risk, a department at the Bank of England. Interest rates are going to be going up which makes a change from the past few years where we actually saw zero-interest loans. Those are the ones named as such because people have zero interest in paying back the money, typically used to purchase buy-to-let ......

2022 Sep 18 - Royal Funeral & Queen's Life

Week 2 of the Queen's funeral with a 13 mile long queue in London to see the casket. Honestly, at this stage it might be quicker to just wheel the coffin past everyone along the South Bank but as things go it's sat on a plinth in Westminster surrounded by 4 large candles and it's therefore a shame that Ronnie Corbett is no longer alive to commentate on the proceedings. Talking about celebrities, it seems that Phillip Schofield was caught queue jumping leading for calls for him to be sacked, so I ......

2022 Sep 08 - The Queen is Dead

The Queen is dead at the age of 96. Another one bites the dust, but wait, didn’t Freddie Mercury die years ago? Of course not, this is Elizabeth II (or Elizabeth I if you’re Nicola Sturgeon) and there must be a local florist in Balmoral rubbing his hands together at the moment. The news is reporting that she died peacefully in her sleep although there’s a rumour going around that she was actually busy cutting the brakes underneath Meghan Markle’s car when the jack slipped. Her last words ......

2022 Sep 05 - Migrant Bussing in America

One of Princess Diana’s cars was up for sale this week. The 1985 Escort sold for £650k, as compared to Prince Andrew’s 1983 Escort who settled for £12m
Liz Truss is going to be challenging the status quo. Hopefully she’ll be challenging them to learn some new chords or release a new track.
Mikhail Gorbachev passed away. He was the first soviet leader to have been born in the USSR, and it says a lot that about soviet manufacturing that the first time they tried a soviet made leader it des ......

2022 Aug 29 - News Roundup

I’ve been away on holiday the past couple weeks so what did we missed?

- There’s a cost of living crisis is all over the news with many commentators saying that this winter will see people choose between eating or heating although I guess it means we’re either going to solve the obesity crisis or the pensions crisis. Next on the addenda is supposedly a 3 day week and talk about it being like the 1970s which is frankly a load of cobblers because at least there was decent music back then an ......

2022 Jul 22 - Prime Ministers after Stepping Down

All political careers end in failure, but with the resignation of Boris Johnson, a lot of speculation has been made as to what he’s going to do with all that spare time on his hands. Perhaps go on one of those reality tv shows, I'd imagine Love Island would be right up his street albeit they likely don't pay enough. He famously lead a very expensive lifestyle and if you ever hear someone claim he’s outstanding, it’s very possibly a bank manager discussing his overdraft. As such I thought I ......