2022 Nov 13 - News Roundup + US Midterms

Why did the Just Stop Oil protestor cross the road? Because the angry motorist was dragging her by her stupid purple hair. And talking about protests, someone threw an egg at the King, presumably as part of a “Just Stop Royals” protest. Charles later said he wouldn’t have minded if they’d at least been free range or organic.

Also inflation remains in the news, and I think the biggest giveaway is that the economists and newsreaders are talking about the price of an average “basket of goods” whereas anyone my age remembers the good old days when you could go to the shop and afford to buy an entire trolley’s worth of goods

Perhaps the more interesting story though was from the US this week after a mid-term election was far less exciting than expected. The democrats had expected a terrible outcome that would best be illustrated by means of some photographs of Ukraine or a meteor hitting the dinosaurs although there was no mass revolution at the ballot box. In all honesty that was not a terribly surprising outcome, given that both Roe v Wade was the only argument being made in many races and that doesn’t leave a lot of space for swing voters that may have cared more about the economy. Most US elections are almost entirely decided from the get go with only a tiny percentage of voters actually changing their position on things such as abortion, or whether they are pro or anti Trump. It’s reminiscent of the Scottish elections where the simple presence of the SNP means that most of the votes are already decided long before Alex Salmond has had a chance to be arrested for something. For President Joe Biden, the result is of course considered a huge win although it’s potentially apocalyptic for his party heading into 2024. Biden is an elderly man who at a recent press conference was unaware that his son died from cancer several years ago, who became lost in the white house garden and who is generally seen by most in his own party as a electoral liability akin to the time that Charlie Kennedy was put up in a hotel next to a branch of Majestic Wine. Many democrats had secretly hoped for bad losses that would finally force Biden to agree to stand down in 2 years in favour of someone younger or more eloquent or at least someone who could remember people’s names. Yet now he seems determined to run for a 2nd term, mostly likely going up against Ron DeSantis, the Governor of Florida who straddles a coalition of both Trump voters, as well as minority voters. As Hilary Clinton would call them, a basket of deplorables, but a basket nonetheless makes up at least 50% of the electorate.
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2022 Nov 06 - News Roundup

Matt Hancock has had the whip withdrawn as he will be taking part in the ITV show “I’m a Celebrity” although it’s unclear whether he will face a challenge where a bosun uses said whip on the contestants as they row across a river. There’s a lot to be said about politicians needing to eat humble pie occasionally but even a lot of Labour supporters would maybe say that the things on the bush-tucker trial go a bit far, with the exception of Dianne Abbot who’d ask what it was I said a mi ......

2022 Oct 30 - News Roundup

Rishi Sunak completed his coup and settled into the job, part of which involved proving that he’s in touch with the common man. That’s why he decided to meeting with people who are not as wealthy as he is, like King Charles at the palace and several FTSE100 leaders who have to make do with living in a house and ordering in their own groceries. Rishi and the King have much to talk about and celebrate, he is after one of the longest serving prime ministers this month. Talking about King Charle ......

2022 Oct 23 - Rishi Sunak PM

I hear that at hospitals across the land, they’ve given up asking patients if they can remember who the prime minister is, because this last week there has been only one story: Liz Truss’s discovery that a week may be a long time in politics, but 44 days is in fact a darned short time to be Prime Minister although to give her some credit, she managed to outlast Pope John Paul I as well as Brian Clough’s management of Leeds United. Think of her like one of Henry VIII’s wives, in so much a ......

2022 Oct 16 - Kwasi Kwarteng Sacked

Some fossil fuel protesters decided to throw tomato soup onto Van Gogh's 'Sunflowers' at the National Gallery. I can only imagine that they expect the gallery to replace all the oil paintings with watercolours and that in Heinz-sight the gallery regrets letting them in

Robbie Coltrane passed away this week at the age of 72. I’ve not got a joke about that but I hear that Frank Carson does and it’s a cracker.

John Cleese is going to be hosting a program on GB News, focusing on things like c ......

2022 Oct 09 - Ukraine War Update

King Charles is apparently going to have to wait until next year to get his crown. It says a lot about the state of the country that even the King can't get a dentists appointment
According to the national statistics office, the number of heroin users is ‘shooting up’
Liverpool, the city that the Beatles came from, is going to host the Eurovision song contest next year, which is like letting Paris Hilton live in Albert Einstein's house.

This decision came after the ongoing war in Ukraine wh ......

2022 Oct 02 - Lizz Truss Starts as PM

It’s been quite a busy week or two for Liz Truss as she settles into the new job, new email account, testing out the coffee machine and discovering that HR is not in fact Human Resources, but High Risk, a department at the Bank of England. Interest rates are going to be going up which makes a change from the past few years where we actually saw zero-interest loans. Those are the ones named as such because people have zero interest in paying back the money, typically used to purchase buy-to-let ......

2022 Sep 18 - Royal Funeral & Queen's Life

Week 2 of the Queen's funeral with a 13 mile long queue in London to see the casket. Honestly, at this stage it might be quicker to just wheel the coffin past everyone along the South Bank but as things go it's sat on a plinth in Westminster surrounded by 4 large candles and it's therefore a shame that Ronnie Corbett is no longer alive to commentate on the proceedings. Talking about celebrities, it seems that Phillip Schofield was caught queue jumping leading for calls for him to be sacked, so I ......

2022 Sep 08 - The Queen is Dead

The Queen is dead at the age of 96. Another one bites the dust, but wait, didn’t Freddie Mercury die years ago? Of course not, this is Elizabeth II (or Elizabeth I if you’re Nicola Sturgeon) and there must be a local florist in Balmoral rubbing his hands together at the moment. The news is reporting that she died peacefully in her sleep although there’s a rumour going around that she was actually busy cutting the brakes underneath Meghan Markle’s car when the jack slipped. Her last words ......

2022 Sep 05 - Migrant Bussing in America

One of Princess Diana’s cars was up for sale this week. The 1985 Escort sold for £650k, as compared to Prince Andrew’s 1983 Escort who settled for £12m
Liz Truss is going to be challenging the status quo. Hopefully she’ll be challenging them to learn some new chords or release a new track.
Mikhail Gorbachev passed away. He was the first soviet leader to have been born in the USSR, and it says a lot that about soviet manufacturing that the first time they tried a soviet made leader it des ......

2022 Aug 29 - News Roundup

I’ve been away on holiday the past couple weeks so what did we missed?

- There’s a cost of living crisis is all over the news with many commentators saying that this winter will see people choose between eating or heating although I guess it means we’re either going to solve the obesity crisis or the pensions crisis. Next on the addenda is supposedly a 3 day week and talk about it being like the 1970s which is frankly a load of cobblers because at least there was decent music back then an ......

2022 Jul 22 - Prime Ministers after Stepping Down

All political careers end in failure, but with the resignation of Boris Johnson, a lot of speculation has been made as to what he’s going to do with all that spare time on his hands. Perhaps go on one of those reality tv shows, I'd imagine Love Island would be right up his street albeit they likely don't pay enough. He famously lead a very expensive lifestyle and if you ever hear someone claim he’s outstanding, it’s very possibly a bank manager discussing his overdraft. As such I thought I ......

2022 Jul 15 - SNP Mismanagement

This week I thought we’d look at Scotland, or more specifically the way the place has been managed by the SNP which for decades were an opposition party with one policy, until following the referendum and subsequent election they walked into the sort of majority and absolute control you would normally only see in a country near the equator with nicer weather. Nicola Sturgeon and her supporters though have since embraced the idea of Scotland being a one-party state although those have famously ......

2022 Jul 08 - Boris Resigns

Boris Johnson was finally forced to step down this week after weeks of speculation. Wednesday morning saw a landslide of resignations with the cabinet falling apart faster than an old one from Ikea. Officially he’ll remain in the job until the Conservative party chooses a new leader and he can get a reasonable quote from a moving company, good luck with that right now.

The last week had started off the same as previous weeks but the important thing to remember is that Boris himself had said ......

2022 Jul 03 - Update on America

Singer R Kelly got sentenced to 30 years in jail and Ghislaine Maxwell got 20 years in jail. Yet another example of a woman being given less for doing the same work as a man.

Ukraine has urged the world to respond after a Russian ship left Berdyansk with 7,000 tons of stolen grain. Putin said, they ‘corn’ have it back.

After the railway workers, apparently Barristers are going to go on strike. That presumably means that it’s going to be more dangerous to go up and down the stairs this su ......

2022 Jun 26 - Roe v Wade Overturned

Paul McCartney played at Glastonbury. I wonder if the body double who conspiracists say replaced him in 1966 thought he’d have to keep the act going for this long.

Garry Lineker gave an interview in which he claimed to have sufferer racist abuse due to having slightly tanned skin. Or maybe they were just annoyed about him constantly going around nicking peoples’ crisps. Of course identifying as an ethnic minority thus opens the door to suing the BBC if they ever try to cut his pay. Or maybe ......

2022 Jun 19 - Biden falls off a bike

Joe Biden fell off a bike. You can tell it’s a slow news week when that makes the news headlines every few years, you might remember when George W Bush fell off a bike, although it at least made a change from the time he fell off the wagon. Either way the stumbling mess is a perfect metaphor for an administration that seemingly decided to use the 50th anniversary of Watergate to remind Americans how great Nixon and Jimmy Carter were compared to who they get to vote for these days

In Britain ......

2022 Jun 11 - Boris Survives

This last week finally saw the Conservative party call for a vote of no confidence and the Prime minister performed an art of escapology akin to what you would normally see in Las Vegas, to the extend that I could have see him choosing to replace Larry the Cat with 2 large white tigers. Under the terms of the party’s system, that means he’s safe in the job for another year and so for most onlookers it’s like seeing an old car where one of the doors is a different colour, somehow get past a ......

2022 Jun 05 - Queen's Jubilee

Mariah Carey is being sued for $20m by someone who claims she stole the song “All I want for Christmas Is You” And in similar news I’ve investigated suing her for a similar amount after having to hear the song every year since 1994

Robbie Williams has said “Fame should come with a warning” and if you ask me, it should also come with an expiration date

The racing jockey Lester Piggott passed away at the age of 86, apparently the funeral is going to be on Wednesday, at 10-1. Finance ......

2022 May 29 - Partygate

In the news this week

Disgraced actor Kevin Spacey in trouble again and facing 4 charges of assault. In his defense, he said that all he did was ask the young men if they wanted the part.

America has a baby food shortage at the movement which is officially being blamed on the driver shortage as well as one of the few massive factories being closed in what is a tight and regulated industry. Although if you want my 2 cents, there were none of these shortages issue until met started letting men g ......