2022 May 22 - Monkeypox

Finland and Sweden have announced plans to join Nato so I for one want to congratulate whichever one of them it is that ends up winning the Eurovision song contest next year. Talking of which the European Broadcasting Union is apparently investigating the possibility that last week’s song contest vote was attacked by hackers, trying to influence the result. One of the key pieces of evidence in that investigation must surely be that Britain got lots of points.

There’s a story here, “Seven treated for breathing problems at Birmingham Sainsbury's” I can’t be bothered reading the article but I’m imagining they started hyperventilating after they saw the price of avocados these days

There have been continued attacks from the left against the government’s proposal to send illegal migrants to Rwanda. I saw someone interviewed on the tv saying that LGBT people would face persecution and possible death threats if they had to spend time there, which makes you wonder why they think they would fare much better in Tower Hamlets. It’s a while since I’ve seen a pride march in Whitechapel

There’s the story about Monkeypox doing the rounds. I can’t believe it’s nearly the end of May already, where’s the year gone. It’s Monkeypox season and still haven't taken down my Ukraine Decorations. Joking aside a friend of mine actually thought they'd contracted the disease but it turns out they'd just fallen asleep on a box of Maltesers after one too many glasses of wine

Australia had an election where a beleaguered and scandal hit prime minister was ousted by the Labour Party, all of which have been fairly ominous for Boris Johnson. Unless he decided to cheer up and open another case of wine. A friend of mine once used to say he never dealt with negatives either. Wonderful bloke, terrible photographer.
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2022 May 15 - Ukraine Update

The war in Ukraine took a turn for worst this week with yet another atrocity, this time in the form of Bono showing up for a concert. Locals tried to explain they wanted the intervention of the UN, not U2 and it wouldn’t surprise me if some radio’d in for the Russians to bomb the concert. Also in music related news this week, Saturday saw Ukraine win the Eurovision song contest. Under the rules of the competition that means that next year’s event will possibly be hosted it its new capital ......

2022 May 08 - Roe vs Wade Rumour

18 people died in Havana Cuba, after a gas explosion at a hotel. It’s unclear if the owner had Fidel’d with the meter.

The governor of the British Virgin Islands has had to step down following an arrest for drug smuggling and in unrelated news, Prince Andrew says he‘d like to get back to work although he’s maybe unclear what the job entails, being Governor of the British Virgin Islands

Also the local election results in the UK. The prime minister started the week more nervous than a lo ......

2022 May 01 - Elon Must Buys Twitter

MP Neil Parish has been forced to resign after being caught looking at looking at adult websites. Allegedly the clip featured a blonde watching on as a man of Indian descent screwed the taxpayer. Anyway, like I said he’s now stood down, presumably after being stood up the other night, on the internet, whilst the rest of the back-benches make do with smutty remarks about Angela Rayner

Tennis legend Boris Becker was declared bankrupt about 5 years ago but just this last week he was convicted an ......

2022 Apr 24 - French Election

- Amusing scenes at the world snooker championship as a pigeon flew onto the table. Although some of us are old enough to remember when a Parrot won the tournament in 1991
- A story about a double decker on fire in Glasgow, which is certainly a step up from a fried Mars Bar
- The UN have declared David Attenbourough 'champion of the earth' although I missed the fight, maybe it was on pay-per-view. He seems a bit old to be doing that sort of thing too although I guess that never stopped the later ......

2022 Apr 17 - News Roundup

Lots of stories in the news this week

- Joe Biden has promised a billion dollars worth of high-tech military equipment to the Ukrainian army, with the one stipulation that they have to collect it from Afghanistan.
- Boris Johnson announced that asylum seekers are going to be processed in an overseas centre hosted by the Rwandan government. Which is you’re an economic migrant travelling from Morocco or Libya essentially means that the prime minister has achieved the Guinness record for the wo ......

2022 Apr 10 - Rishi Sunak's Wife

The health agency NICE have said that to consider yourself healthy your waist should be less than half your height, although they failed to follow it up with a suitable explanation as to how I'm supposed to grow 14 inches

And the Prime Minister just visited Ukraine but most of the headlines have been about Rishi Sunak's wife who got caught out this week for being very wealthy and not paying any UK taxes on any of it. She's so wealthy in fact that she can afford to leave the heating turned up, b ......

2022 Apr 03 - Will Smith & Prince Andrew

Let's stop talking about the modern day Tzar in order to talk about two princes, both of whom made a spectacle of themselves this last week.

Fist of all, the Fresh Prince, Will Smith, decided to make the Oscars watchable for the first time in years after punching Chris Rock following a joke he told about Will's bald wife. I bet Will wishes he still had that memory erasing wand from the Men In Black film series. Anyway, it at least makes a change from the usual charade where several hundred atte ......

2022 Mar 27 - Ukraine Week 5

A new blood test can apparently diagnose Alzheimer's 30 years in advance, I guess if that’s the sort of thing you want to look forward too.
Parents in Wales are no longer entitled to smack. Which is good news of class-A drug users elsewhere.
Talking of which Taylor Hawkins from band the Foo Fighters has died. He was a drummer in Colombia so you can guess the rest of that story

This week there was a G20 conference to discuss the Ukraine situation and as expected it was about as useful as air c ......

2022 Mar 20 - Ukraine Week 4

Boat operator P&O have sacked 800 members of staff with immediate effect, which seems 'ferry' unfair.

Emma Watson used her BAFTA appearance to attack JK Rowling. If I were Rowling then I'd get set to work, writing a new Harry Potter film in which Hermione puts on a ton of weight, starts eating live snails

Fuel prices are still going up. I recently asked the wife if she wanted to go for a fancy dinner, with champagne and caviar and the like. She said she'd be happy just to go on a romantic driv ......

2022 Mar 13 - Ukraine Week 3

The actor and convicted liar Jussie Smollet has been sentenced to jail for that fictional attack he made up and reported in 2020 to gain publicity. Perhaps he will file file an appeal against the decision to lock him up in the same cell as his attacker

And Saudi Arabia just executed 81 people in one day. You’d think that would behead-line news.

But talking about oil-rich countries with grisly human rights records, the news is still dominated by the war in Ukraine. This week's events have see ......

2022 Mar 06 - Ukraine

This week:
Australian cricket legend Shane Warne just passed away so perhaps it will be his ashes that the team will be playing for later this summer. Sorry, that's in poor taste, he must be spinning in his grave. "Spinning" (geddit?)
London is still looking for a new head of police after Cressida Dick's forced resignation. London of course has an ever increasing problem with knife crime and the government want a new commissioner to take a stab at it.

And Australian TV show Neighbours is to fin ......

2022 Feb 27 - Ukraine Invasion

The Russian Invasion of Ukraine finally kicked off this week with the troops rolling in to capture Chernobyl, which seemed somewhat of an odd place to want to capture, it's like if the Chinese launched a war against Japan and their first strategic target was weird island with the thousands of cats living on it. Anyway I guess it made sense in a way because it's not like anyone in NATO wants to risk bombing them there, it's bad enough when a drone accidentally hits a school or hospital, let alone ......

2022 Feb 19 - Prince Andrew and Storm Eunice

It’s been about two years but things might be getting back to normal after all because rather than covid the main news stories have been royal gossip and "the weather"

Let's look at the first of those stories, the Prince Andrew saga, which concluded by him agreeing to settle the matter out of court and thus changing the nursery rhyme: "The Grand Old Duke of York, he had 12 million quid, he gave it to someone he never met for something he never did" In America there is a far ruder version of ......

2022 Feb 13 - Smart Meters

In the News:

University Challenge host Bamber Gasgoine passed away. One of his many catchphrases back in the day was "starter for 10" which coincidentally is also what Dianne Abbot asks for when she visits a restaurant

Fashion news after Primark announced a bizarre pair-up with bakery chain Greggs, apparently they're going be be launching a limited edition range of clothes. Although in some ways that makes sense, the last time I ate pastry from there half of it ended up down by front anyway.


2022 Feb 05 - Boris Still Hanging On

China has banned smoking in schools, although I think the children are still allowed to smoke in the workplace.
Controversy over music steaming company Spotify who have decided to not cancel their controversial but wildly popular and lucrative Joe Rogan podcast. Personally speaking, I’m not into that stuff because I still get my music the old fashioned way, pirated mp3s off the internet.
This last week, February 2nd, was Groundhog Day, the folky holiday from Pennsylvania made into the brillian ......

2022 Jan 30 - Ukraine

Arnold Schwarzenegger was involved in a nasty car accident, so presumably the police are looking to speak to Linda Hamilton or Robert Patrick
The Conservative Party has put in some paperwork with the Electoral Commission to rename itself “The Conservative Work Event”
Professional attention-seeker, conman and part-time magician Uri Gellar has claimed that an alien invasion is imminent, although perhaps he just doesn’t know how to spell “Russian”

Because this week’s main story has bee ......

2022 Jan 23 - Boris & Biden in Trouble

In the news this week:
- The rock singer Meatloaf died, allegedly of covid, and if true then it would fitting that he was killed by a bat out of hell. I told that joke to a friend who responded by sining "you took the words right out of my mouth"
- There was also a terrorist siege at a synagogue in Texas. This was reported by the BBC as "A man from Leicester has been shot by police in Texas" and I thought that's from nearly 5000 miles away, he must be a heck of a good shot.
- Another article on ......

2022 Jan 16 - Djokovic, Boris and Prince Andrew

2 main stories this week but first of all a quick sports news story after Novak Djokovic was barred from entering Australia due to not complying with their covid vaccination policy. In the process he became the first tennis player to be knocked out a on tennis tournament for just missing 1 shot. He's subsequently challenged the decision in court, lost the case and has now been banned from Australia for 3 years, which is pretty ironic because most of the Australian government officials are only t ......

2022 Jan 09 - Ghislaine Maxwell

Happy new year and here’s a thought: if “people are as honest as the day is long," then is that why there's more crime in the winter, over Christmas and New Year? And talking of criminals, Tony Blair finally got given a knighthood in the New Year’s Honor list. Reportedly it was delayed for the past 2 decades at the personal bequest of Prince Phillip who despised him although ultimately the prime minister thought that Mr Blair should be rewarded for his services to making the Labour Party u ......