2023 May 14 - Eurovision & Ukraine

The official portraits were released of the Coronation and seeing King Charles in a purple hat, he really looks more and more like his mother.

Following the coronation, Adjoa Andoh stirred up some controversy by pointing out that balcony had been "terribly white" There was no followup suggesting how to resolve that perceived issue though. Most of the royal's are already married and Prince Andrew remains one of the few remaining single royals. Except he's also in his 60s and the left surely aren't suggesting that he get married to a young African girl in her 20s and start siring children? I mean he'd be up for it but it's hardly a good look

One final word on the coronation must the the mention of the drone display that they put on at Windsor Castle, it certainly upstaged the efforts that Putin and Zelensky have put on. I guess that brings us onto the other story which is Eurovision and how it was supposed to be held in Ukraine but for political reasons was hosed in Liverpool. It's a real shame because according to the news, Ukraine has some huge open air arenas (these days) and because hosting Eurovision in the city the Beatles were from is disgraceful. It's like getting Noel Edmonds to host a show with a gunge tank and then filming it at the British Museum. the RMT union tried their best to protect the general public by holding a rail strike but in all honesty they really needed to get Zelenskyy to do a missile strike. As to the UK, we came second to last, which made me want to briefly check the news to see if we'd invaded Iraq again or something.

Josef Fritzl is writing a book and it's going to be curious to see if more people want to hand over their money to him, rather than read Prince Harry's diatribe. When asked about sales projections, one industry expert said Fritzl's book was going to be best cellar.
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2023 May 07 - King Charles' Coronation

More developments in the SNP money scandal, police apparently seized a number of items including a wheelbarrow, presumably the one used to move the piles of from the office, into Nicola Sturgeon's garden shed. From what I can gather speaking to folk, 50% of people in Scotland think the story is an important issue, 50% of people are bored hearing about it and 10% of people are unsure. Those numbers don't add up to 100% because the maths was done by Nicola's husband.

Plenty of destruction first a ......

2023 Apr 30 - News Summary

Another US bank is on the verge of collapse, this time it's First Republic Bank and here's a joke for you Q: What do dubious woke financial institutions have in common with the Eiffel Tower? A: They're both Paris Sites

Only a week to go until the coronation and the household cavalry are practicing a new ceremonial duty. In preparation of Prince Harry possibly showing up they're preparing for the changing of the locks

I heard that a member of the royal family had died, turns out it was the TV s ......

2023 Apr 23 - News Summary

Nicola Sturgeon is learning to drive, part of which must be learning how to successfully perform a U-turn. Talking about driving and Scotland, I've always thought it stange how so many F1 drivers are named after Scottish place names. Lewis Hamilton, Johnny Dumfries, Stirling Moss, and Ayr Town Center.

There was a survey in America showing people believe the US Supreme Court is less trustworthy than organised religion. As compared to the UK where most people the British Supreme Court is less tru ......

2023 Apr 16 - The SNP & Bud Light

It's 4 years since the fire at Notre Dame. The police still don't know who started it although they have a hunch

Arnold Schwarzenegger posted a video of him filling in potholes. That's fairly physically demanding work at his age, I imagine that afterwards he said "Ahh...me back!"

There's also been more revelations about the SNP and the seized Campervan. This was the £100k motorhome seized from Peter Murrell's mother, the SNP claim they purchased it to use as a battle bus and that she was just ......

2023 Apr 09 - Peter Murrell Arrested

The band S-Club 7 are going to be named S-Club 6 after the death of band-member. As a double whammy for fans, the ticket prices for the upcoming reunion are going to have to go up due to it being 14% less rubbish.

Garry Lineker is saying that Alan Hansen left Match of the Day because of the nerves. Yeah Garry, you getting on them

But let's talk about the main story this week. Older viewers might remember that episode of Porridge where Fletcher writes a cleverly worded letter to his missus, and ......

2023 Apr 02 - Biden vs Trump

Climate change activists threaten to glue themselves to the Grand National racetrack in order to disrupt or prevent the horse race. It does make you wonder if they know where glue comes from.

Oscar Pistorious looks set to get released early on parole, apparently he's unlikely to jump bail. And physically unable. Roses are red, violets are glorious, never creep up on Oscar Pistorious

There was another high school shooting in the US. Apparently the leading cause of death there in under 16 year o ......

2023 Mar 26 - French Protests

The clocks are going back this weekend, which means that commuters on Southern Rail might be lucky enough to see the trains turn up 20 minutes early. Unfortunately it's a busy weekend for staff at Windsor Castle where gardening team will have to rotate all the sundials by 15 degrees

There was the inquiry into Partygate, setting out to determine whether Boris was suitable to manage a party, whether it be the the Conservative Party or that other one with all the wine

Anger in cheshire after a wo ......

2023 Mar 18 - SVB Collapse

Sir Michael Caine turned 90 and 'not a lot of people knoww that
I received an email asking me to spell "maps" backwards but it turned out to be spam

The big story this week though was the collapse of the US financial firm Silicon Valley Bank, which in turn has set of a chain of donimos around the world that threaten to destroy the lifestyles of some executives who'd hoped to retire in their 50s but whose share certificates may now as well have pictures of that Dogecoin dog on it. They could bar ......

2023 Mar 11 - Garry Lineker Sacked

Mystic Meg passed away and all across the lands, people commented "She didn't see that coming" When asked about the funeral arrangements, the family said that a lady in black serving drinks might be there and the names John or Alice may be attending too-ooo-oo.

Saudi Arabia and Iran have restored diplomatic ties. Although I won't "beheading" to either of those places any time soon. I remember reading about a man out there who was caught stealing hand disinfectant. Although I guess on the plus s ......

2023 Mar 05 - Matt Hancock WhatsApp Messages

The architect Rafael Viñoly passed away, he was the man who designed London's Walkie Talkie building. I'm told the funeral was very sad but the reception was fantastic

Meaningless statistics are 12% down today

Let's skip straight to the main news which is the Telegraph's horde of 100k secret WhatsApp messages. These were messages to and from Matt Hancock that Isabel Oakeshott (who was writing a biography on him) had access to and she decided to leak the entire thing to the press, to prevent w ......

2023 Feb 26 - SNP Leadership Race

Shamima Begum lost her latest court challenge to regain a British passport. Some of defenders have gone to far as to say she contemplated suicide, to which the rest pointed out that we knew that, because she showed everyone the vest and explosives on a youtube video 5 years ago

Roald Dahl was in the news after the publishing company played the oldest scam in the book by cancelling his original books, waiting for tens of thousands of existing books to fly off the shelf, before reversing their de ......

2023 Feb 19 - Nicola Sturgeon's Gone

Is it a bird is it a plane, is it a UFO or a Chinese spy balloon? Nope, it turns out it was a $100 project by the local Bottlecaps Balloon Brigade. The $100 balloons were shot down by Sidewinder Missiles that cost $400k apiece. and thus we can probably assume that the missile won't be the only one getting fired. Closer to home I here the MOD has developed a new missile called the civil servant, that doesn't work and can't be fired.

Talking about new vehicles, there's been the collapse of the e ......

2023 Feb 12 - News Summary

The police arrested 15 people outside an asylum seeker's hostel after a protest turned violent. In a twist of irony, those protestors will now be getting a roof over their head, 3 meals per day and legal representation all courtesy of the British taxpayer

There's a few studies out showing that vaping leads to lowered testosterone in men, apparently one of the first symptoms is the desire to take up vaping.

A crime boss from Brentford was arrested in Thailand after spending 5 years on the run. ......

2023 Feb 05 - Wales & Mark Drakeford

The US shot down a Chinese weather balloon that had drifted off course, presumably the guidance system was designed by someone called Wong Wei

Health news with talk about a pakora ban. Wait not, they're talking about the fashion designer Paco Rabanne. He's dead.

Locksmith found dead and police are looking for a key witness

The Welsh Rugby Union has decided to ban the Tom Jones song "Delilah" from matches, to which the fans started of course started singing "why why why". Tom Jones was asked i ......

2023 Jan 29 - NHS Problems


It was Chinese New Year as well as Burns Night. I had a friend who combined the two events into a Chinese Burns Night and I didn't want to go but he twisted my arm

A man was killed by one of those mechanical telescopic urinals in London. Engineers are searching for clues and say they have nothing to go on.

More trouble in the NHS as Midwives are going to go on strike. Maybe next time they can at least give everyone nine months warning

The last of those, the NHS struggles are of course the la ......

2023 Jan 21 - New Zealand


Alec Baldwin is going to be charged with involuntary manslaughter over the accident on his films-set last year. In response his lawyer has come out all guns blazing, except in his case it's just a metaphor.

Rishi Sunak was fined by the police for not wearing a seatbelt, even Jimmy Saville was better behaved than that. Admittedly it does mean he will stay true to his word about helping with the government finances, in so much as he's going to be contributing £100 to the coffers. This puts him ......

2023 Jan 15 - News Update

A space launch in cornwall went wrong after an anomoly caused it to land in the sea. A government spokespeson was reported to say that they should have gotten Harry Kane to launch it. Whilst a North Koreak government spokesman said that the kingdom would retaliate by firing *two* rockets into the sea. A number of smug neurosurgeons looked at the dejected rocket scientists and commented that it was hardly brain surgery.

Lisa Marie Presley passed away at the age of 54. The family are reported to ......

2023 Jan 08 - Prince Harry "Spare" Book

It's a new year although that may be confusing to those who are only now just starting to receive their Christmas cards.

The new year celebrations in London included a long sequence of blue and yellow fireworks as a nod to the war in Ukraine. And I'm sure that the Ukrainian refugees watching from the banks of the Thames found the sounds of explosions and gunpowder very comforting.

Pope Francis gave a talk in which he implied that members of the mafia should be excommunicated from the catholic ......

2022 Dec 18 - Frosty the Snowflake

Frosty the Snowflake
Was a bitter lefty soul
With an EU flag and a Waitrose bag
And obsessed with banning coal

Frosty the Snowflake
Was a fairytale they say
He was made of snow but the Guardian know
Say how he came to life one day

There must have been some magic
In that face-mask he still wore
for when he and his mate went to visit the Tate
he glued himself right to the floor

Oh, Frosty the Snowflake
Was alive as he could be
he campaigned for more tax and made regular attacks
at the lives of ......