2023 Mar 11 - Garry Lineker Sacked

Mystic Meg passed away and all across the lands, people commented "She didn't see that coming" When asked about the funeral arrangements, the family said that a lady in black serving drinks might be there and the names John or Alice may be attending too-ooo-oo.

Saudi Arabia and Iran have restored diplomatic ties. Although I won't "beheading" to either of those places any time soon. I remember reading about a man out there who was caught stealing hand disinfectant. Although I guess on the plus side he won't need hand disinfectant any more.

Talking about places with terrible human rights records, Xi Jinping was re-elected President of China with 2952 votes.
EU fanatic Guy Verhofstadt tweeted about it's an autocracy although failed to mention how many people had voted for EU President Ursula Von Der Leyen. I'm guessing Rishi Sunak is smart enough to keep his mouth shut.

Gary Lineker Was sacked from Match Of The Day this week after a tweet in which he compared the government's immigration policy to those of Nazi Germany. Right on cue, the internet went into meltdown with left wing activists resembling that old crisp advert of Garry's, where Paul Gascoigne is crying, if you remember it. In a sign of solidarity, Garry's co-hosts like Alan Shearer and Ian Wright, have opted to stand back too so in all honesty the show might actually be watchable for the first time in years. Perhaps if they need a big household name, the BBC could draft in David Cameron who is famously on record as being a huge footy fan, especially if it's West Ham playing, or Aston Villa, depending on which staffer wrote his briefing that morning.

Many comparisons have been made to Jeremy Clarkson, though not by those Lineker fans who were very silent when he was forced out for making right wing rather than left wing comments. It's actually worse that that though because a year ago there were demands by those people to sack him after he tweeted a sexist joke about England footballer Chloe Kelly during the woman's world cup. Impartiality apparently only works one way. For me the one funny part of it all is that debate is solidifying the concept that Garry Lineker was a BBC employee and this is at a time when he's been in a court battle with the taxman over whether he is self employed, or an employee who should have been paying income tax for several years; On the line, £5m. As Mystic Meg would have said, "Someone in HMRC will be lucky tonight too-ooo-oo"
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2023 Mar 05 - Matt Hancock WhatsApp Messages

The architect Rafael Viñoly passed away, he was the man who designed London's Walkie Talkie building. I'm told the funeral was very sad but the reception was fantastic

Meaningless statistics are 12% down today

Let's skip straight to the main news which is the Telegraph's horde of 100k secret WhatsApp messages. These were messages to and from Matt Hancock that Isabel Oakeshott (who was writing a biography on him) had access to and she decided to leak the entire thing to the press, to prevent w ......

2023 Feb 26 - SNP Leadership Race

Shamima Begum lost her latest court challenge to regain a British passport. Some of defenders have gone to far as to say she contemplated suicide, to which the rest pointed out that we knew that, because she showed everyone the vest and explosives on a youtube video 5 years ago

Roald Dahl was in the news after the publishing company played the oldest scam in the book by cancelling his original books, waiting for tens of thousands of existing books to fly off the shelf, before reversing their de ......

2023 Feb 19 - Nicola Sturgeon's Gone

Is it a bird is it a plane, is it a UFO or a Chinese spy balloon? Nope, it turns out it was a $100 project by the local Bottlecaps Balloon Brigade. The $100 balloons were shot down by Sidewinder Missiles that cost $400k apiece. and thus we can probably assume that the missile won't be the only one getting fired. Closer to home I here the MOD has developed a new missile called the civil servant, that doesn't work and can't be fired.

Talking about new vehicles, there's been the collapse of the e ......

2023 Feb 12 - News Summary

The police arrested 15 people outside an asylum seeker's hostel after a protest turned violent. In a twist of irony, those protestors will now be getting a roof over their head, 3 meals per day and legal representation all courtesy of the British taxpayer

There's a few studies out showing that vaping leads to lowered testosterone in men, apparently one of the first symptoms is the desire to take up vaping.

A crime boss from Brentford was arrested in Thailand after spending 5 years on the run. ......

2023 Feb 05 - Wales & Mark Drakeford

The US shot down a Chinese weather balloon that had drifted off course, presumably the guidance system was designed by someone called Wong Wei

Health news with talk about a pakora ban. Wait not, they're talking about the fashion designer Paco Rabanne. He's dead.

Locksmith found dead and police are looking for a key witness

The Welsh Rugby Union has decided to ban the Tom Jones song "Delilah" from matches, to which the fans started of course started singing "why why why". Tom Jones was asked i ......

2023 Jan 29 - NHS Problems


It was Chinese New Year as well as Burns Night. I had a friend who combined the two events into a Chinese Burns Night and I didn't want to go but he twisted my arm

A man was killed by one of those mechanical telescopic urinals in London. Engineers are searching for clues and say they have nothing to go on.

More trouble in the NHS as Midwives are going to go on strike. Maybe next time they can at least give everyone nine months warning

The last of those, the NHS struggles are of course the la ......

2023 Jan 21 - New Zealand


Alec Baldwin is going to be charged with involuntary manslaughter over the accident on his films-set last year. In response his lawyer has come out all guns blazing, except in his case it's just a metaphor.

Rishi Sunak was fined by the police for not wearing a seatbelt, even Jimmy Saville was better behaved than that. Admittedly it does mean he will stay true to his word about helping with the government finances, in so much as he's going to be contributing £100 to the coffers. This puts him ......

2023 Jan 15 - News Update

A space launch in cornwall went wrong after an anomoly caused it to land in the sea. A government spokespeson was reported to say that they should have gotten Harry Kane to launch it. Whilst a North Koreak government spokesman said that the kingdom would retaliate by firing *two* rockets into the sea. A number of smug neurosurgeons looked at the dejected rocket scientists and commented that it was hardly brain surgery.

Lisa Marie Presley passed away at the age of 54. The family are reported to ......

2023 Jan 08 - Prince Harry "Spare" Book

It's a new year although that may be confusing to those who are only now just starting to receive their Christmas cards.

The new year celebrations in London included a long sequence of blue and yellow fireworks as a nod to the war in Ukraine. And I'm sure that the Ukrainian refugees watching from the banks of the Thames found the sounds of explosions and gunpowder very comforting.

Pope Francis gave a talk in which he implied that members of the mafia should be excommunicated from the catholic ......

2022 Dec 18 - Frosty the Snowflake

Frosty the Snowflake
Was a bitter lefty soul
With an EU flag and a Waitrose bag
And obsessed with banning coal

Frosty the Snowflake
Was a fairytale they say
He was made of snow but the Guardian know
Say how he came to life one day

There must have been some magic
In that face-mask he still wore
for when he and his mate went to visit the Tate
he glued himself right to the floor

Oh, Frosty the Snowflake
Was alive as he could be
he campaigned for more tax and made regular attacks
at the lives of ......

2022 Dec 11 - World Cup & Harry & Meghan

"Its coming home, it's coming home", the plane with England's coming home, if that's what you mean. There's always talk about expectations and whether the bar was set to high, but from what I could tell, the crossbar would have had to be about 8 feet higher for that goal to have gone in. Although on the plus side, if you were one of the fans sat right at the back in seat ZZ99 then you might have stood a chance of catching the ball.
​​Maybe some less time spent on activism and kneelin ......

2022 Dec 03 - Rishi Sunak's Titanic

Europol made 49 drug arrests and took down a super-cartel that apparently controlled a third of Europe's cocaine supply. So much for having a White Christmas.

Will Smith did an interview and blamed the Chris Rock incident on pent up anger stemming from an abusive childhood. If only social services had taken him out of the situation years ago and sent him to live with a rich uncle in LA

Christmas is coming soon and Prince Andrew has asked for an Amazon Alexa. Officials have arranged for Alexa t ......

2022 Nov 28 - News Roundup

According to the BBC, two boys, aged 16, died in London after being stabbed a mile apart. That Must have been an exceptionally long knife.

There’s a report out about the number of restaurants being forced to close due to the ruinous cost of gas and electricity. I asked my local Chinese place if they’d struggled with the cost of keeping the lights on, and the owner told me he’d had to Dim Sum

There’s also talk about raising the retirement age, years earlier than planned. As things stand ......

2022 Nov 20 - Qatar 2020

It is the start of Qatar world cup, an event that like like Britain's financial mess has been years in the making and which will likely end with England doing very badly. This is a football tournament being played in the desert because the governing body and corruption go together like copy and paste, which is coincidentally the method by which they printed the voting ballots several years ago. I was going to say that they go together like Gin & Tonic or Beer & Football except that brings us to ......

2022 Nov 13 - News Roundup + US Midterms

Why did the Just Stop Oil protestor cross the road? Because the angry motorist was dragging her by her stupid purple hair. And talking about protests, someone threw an egg at the King, presumably as part of a “Just Stop Royals” protest. Charles later said he wouldn’t have minded if they’d at least been free range or organic.

Also inflation remains in the news, and I think the biggest giveaway is that the economists and newsreaders are talking about the price of an average “basket of g ......

2022 Nov 06 - News Roundup

Matt Hancock has had the whip withdrawn as he will be taking part in the ITV show “I’m a Celebrity” although it’s unclear whether he will face a challenge where a bosun uses said whip on the contestants as they row across a river. There’s a lot to be said about politicians needing to eat humble pie occasionally but even a lot of Labour supporters would maybe say that the things on the bush-tucker trial go a bit far, with the exception of Dianne Abbot who’d ask what it was I said a mi ......

2022 Oct 30 - News Roundup

Rishi Sunak completed his coup and settled into the job, part of which involved proving that he’s in touch with the common man. That’s why he decided to meeting with people who are not as wealthy as he is, like King Charles at the palace and several FTSE100 leaders who have to make do with living in a house and ordering in their own groceries. Rishi and the King have much to talk about and celebrate, he is after one of the longest serving prime ministers this month. Talking about King Charle ......

2022 Oct 23 - Rishi Sunak PM

I hear that at hospitals across the land, they’ve given up asking patients if they can remember who the prime minister is, because this last week there has been only one story: Liz Truss’s discovery that a week may be a long time in politics, but 44 days is in fact a darned short time to be Prime Minister although to give her some credit, she managed to outlast Pope John Paul I as well as Brian Clough’s management of Leeds United. Think of her like one of Henry VIII’s wives, in so much a ......

2022 Oct 16 - Kwasi Kwarteng Sacked

Some fossil fuel protesters decided to throw tomato soup onto Van Gogh's 'Sunflowers' at the National Gallery. I can only imagine that they expect the gallery to replace all the oil paintings with watercolours and that in Heinz-sight the gallery regrets letting them in

Robbie Coltrane passed away this week at the age of 72. I’ve not got a joke about that but I hear that Frank Carson does and it’s a cracker.

John Cleese is going to be hosting a program on GB News, focusing on things like c ......