2023 Nov 19 - Rishi + Dave

It was Children in Need weekend when millions tune in to watch the BBC show. As always, tuning in with particular interest, were the Metropolitan police, keen to make sure their shortlist is up to date, for which BBC stars to keep an extra close eye on. I remember when I was a kid and a policeman came into the school and gave a talk on drugs. Nobody could understand a word he said, because he was high as a kite.

Everton fans were seen wearing gloves and scarves, because it was -10 at Goodison Park this evening. That's a joke about the points deduction the team faced for breaching financial rules. Minus ten points is a lot normally it would take several weeks for them to achieve that on the pitch

David Cameron is back in Westminster after Rishi Sunak brought him back as a hail-mary attempt at appearing competent. David Cameron is of course known for dodgy Chinese business relationships, unpopular with normal voters, will alienate the grass roots membership, he's dogged by the Greensill scandal, will be unaccountable to the house of commons owing to him being in the Lords and of course will annoy all the backbench MPs, 349 of them, who by definition weren't good enough to be offered the job. His only foreign policy experience was trying to get the UK involved in a land war in Syria - that's a parliamentary vote he repeatedly lost, and then there was the Brexit vote where he comprehensively failed to persuade Brussels to offer concessions to help him win the vote, before having the referendum anyway, but promising to stay on if he won, then losing it and immediately resigning because he was too lazy or pigheaded to admit he'd been wrong on it the whole time. I say "pig" headed, there are of course a number of obscene pig jokes I could make too but my kids might be listening.

To Counter criticism, Rishi's been on the offensive and coming out with strong policy announcements almost every day. Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, etc.

Talking about Europe and something to lighten the mood, there's a new Napoleon film coming out and it looks bloody awesome. Can Napoleon bring in a good box office return? Corsican

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2023 Nov 11 - News Summary

Earlier in the week I saw some protestors in London burning Israeli flags. Which was a pity given how much work the enslaved Chinese children put into manufacturing them. Oh wait, sorry, we're not supposed to criticise that particular human rights abuse, because there's money involved. There was also a protest in Scotland but the people there were too frugal to want to set fire to the newly acquired flags. I'm Scottish so I'm allowed to make that joke, like the one about how copper wire was inve ......

2023 Nov 04 - Now & Then

Friends star Matthew Perry died and a lot of my friends were texting me poor taste jokes, and like the tv series, most of them were repeats.

The UN was in the news, in part over it's stance on Israel, but also because it also just appointed a new chair of its human rights council. The winning answer was Iran, which is like suggesting your elderly relative go get a health checkup from Harold Shipman.

There was a grisly story about a woman being horribly disabled after being hit by 2 trains on t ......

2023 Oct 30 - Palestine & Ukraine

Nicola Sturgeon passed her driving test which will come in useful now that she's no longer in power and thus can't employ someone to drive that motorhome. She passed first time although wouldn't say what score she got on it and how many minors they received. Coincidentally the same answer that Prince Andrew's office gave to a question.

A man died after setting himself on fire outside a Liverpool branch of McDonalds. In a tragic twist, the staff could have extinguished him but the McFlurry machi ......

2023 Oct 23 - Israel & Hamas (week 2)

Slight delay this week, was waiting for that cut on my hand to heal up a bit, but I was also waiting on the BBC to respond to the news so in turn they were waiting on Hamas to hand them their latest press release. In the end they mostly seemed to focus on that massive storm Babette, although it's nowhere near as devastating as the Hamas'ive storm brewing in southern Israel.

Angela Rayner made a comment about Israel didn't exist a hundred years ago, although most of us are more concerned about ......

2023 Oct 14 - Israel & Hamas

Ok so let's talk about Israel and Gaza. The war is about a week old now, sort of like that lettuce at the back of my fridge, and the news media is talking a lot about how Gaza will soon be without medicine and fuel and food. Sounds to me like he shouldn't have squandered all his football earnings. No, of course this is the Gaza Strip which now looks worse than an English town centre on a Friday night at 2am

The actual reasons behind the conflict are often portrayed as highly complex and difficu ......

2023 Oct 08 - News Summary

A huge amount of bloodshed in Israel after an attack by Hamas led to brutal retaliation. Let's see how things unfold over the next week but like many around the world, I'm shaking my head and thinking about the tragic rise in petrol prices we're likely to see if it turns into a broader war in the region

Stevie Nicks from Fleetwood Mac is apparently going to get her own Barbie doll. I'm guessing she must be hard up for cash if she's only just gotten around to being able to afford one.

The gover ......

2023 Oct 01 - Old US Senators

Michael Gambon died this week, and so with two dead Dumbledores, it's not looking good for Jude Law

Europe's oldest shoe has apparently been found in Spain in a bat cave. Which is odd because I assumed Batman lived in America

Google turned 25 years old this week, which means that Leonardo DiCaprio has decided to look for a new web browser

The writers strike in Hollywood has come to an and which means they can get back to the job of destroying beloved characters and rewriting the classics. Th ......

2023 Sep 24 - Russel Brand

The welsh government is going to introduce a mandatory 20mph speed limit, in response Chris Rea is release an updated version of one of his songs "Driving Home For Easter"

With all the strong winds I'm quite concerned about the caravan in my garden, because it wasn't there a few days ago.

Rupert Murdoch finally announced his retirement this week after a career lasting over 70 years. Highlights include the eradication of good UK government, the wholesale destruction of US bipartisanship, gettin ......

2023 Sep 17 - Joe & Hunter Biden

The government have announced that they are going to ban pet owners from importing Bully XL Dogs from America. If anyone's interested in getting one before the ban, I have a friend who's selling one, the advert says it loves kids, especially big juice fat ones.

Tony Blair made a statement about junk food and how it should be priced so the poor can't buy it. Making food expensive for the poor makes about as much sense as appointing someone like him a Middle East peace envoy.

This week's main ne ......

2023 Sep 10 - G20 Conference

There's the continuing fallout from the scandal about the failing construction of schools in England and Wales. Most of these buildings were of course constructed 2 decades ago when Bob The Builder was at the peak of his popularity; yet another sand instance of a previously popular BBC Children's entertainer being brought into disrepute

There was the G20 conference which was as usual a ridiculous and pointless talking shop although I guess it was nice for Emmanuel Macron to be treated in a resp ......

2023 Sep 03 - Back to School


It's back to school, I'm back from holiday and it seems that even the school supplies shopping couldn't stop Wilko from going bust - they had with a balance sheet weaker than a LibDem handshake

The Edinburgh festival had some controversy this year but it also had some great jokes, like the one where Nicola Sturgeon talked about her new book and how her choosing to resign had nothing to be with her being arrested.

Vladimir Putin sacked one of his senior army officials and then a few days later ......

2023 Jul 28 - Woke Companies

This week I thought we'd talk about the world of American companies dicovering that going woke makes you go broke. It was recently the 4th of July and for several decades the most popular beer in the US was Budweiser, until this year when it didn't even make the top 10. This is all due to that Dylan Mulvaney nonsense where they rebranded the blue collar beer to specifically appeal to men who are also keen to advertise their love for transvesticism. The irony really is that they could have appeal ......

2023 Jul 22 - News Summary

Tony Bennett died this week at the age of 96. It doesn't seem to give a cause of death although I'd head Crooner-virus suggested.

The Huw Edwards story seems to have fallen off the radar and yet he is still claiming a salary. If makes me wonder whether we've finally reached the point where bringing the BBC into disrepute is no longer achievable.

Vladimir Putin canceled a trip to South Africa after threats that he would be arrested for war crimes. I was looking at various photos on the web, and ......

2023 Jul 15 - Guess Huw

Interesting developments this week as the News at 10 turned into the No Huws at 10, before Hugh Edwards was back on the news but more as a story than a presenter. He was of course until quite recently a well respected news figure at the BBC, just recently leading the reporting on the death and funeral of Queen Elizabeth, but this week the only thing that died was his career after it turned out he'd been paying 10s of thousands of pounds for explicit photographs from a 17 year old. Photographs th ......

2023 Jul 02 - France & Russia

More whinging and whining at Harry's court case with talk about what damages he should receive. A friend of mine suggested he should have his nose damaged, his legs damaged and he even offered to do it personally round the back of the high court.

Madonna was gravely ill this week and is apparently "vomiting uncontrollably" which I assume is a synonym for saying she's working on a new album

The civil unrest situation in France has also been getting worse although the media has been complicit in ......

2023 Jun 22 - Titanic Accident

Pretty much the only news story this week was the fate of the submersible that went to visit the Titanic on what turned out to be a more permanent trip than was advertised although they were depressingly spot on about the promise to leave customers breathless. Maybe I shouldn't make jokes, how could I sink so low, but then the BBC were getting in on the act too when they posted the story as "Breaking news" The sad part of it all is that if only there hadn't been any British taxpayers on board, t ......

2023 Jun 18 - Boris

Silvio Berlusconi passed away at the the age of 86. I saw a notice saying "Rest in Peace" and certainly the families of young Italian girls can now rest easy.

Ted Kaczynski also passed away, he was the Unabomber who killed and injured dozens of people before being arrested in the 90s. There's not expected to be many people at the funeral because invitations have been posted out but people are understandably worried about opening the packages.

Nicola Sturgeon still reeling from her visit from t ......

2023 Jun 11 - News Summary

More climate hysteria as scientists say Cod might disappear within 20 years. Oh well, plenty more fish in the sea.

Bernie Ecclestone is in trouble with HMRC and having to deny a £400m tax fraud. In his defence the 92yo maybe paid that money to his 35yo wife fair in square when she handed him an invoice for marrying her.

More twists in the federal indictment against Donald Trump after it turn out that he stored boxes of government documents in his bathroom. I don't blame him trying to save mon ......

2023 Jun 04 - News Summary

A man fell into a giant vat of coffee, the coroner said it was instant

There was a terrible train crash in India that killed 120 people. I have a friend who works for the railway in the UK who said that there are controls in place that mean that sort of thing could never happen in Britain. Things like the staff being on strike. Or finding 120 people that can afford a ticket

Phillip Schofield's career has continued to go downhill after being kicked off of ITV for having an affair with a young m ......