2022 Sep 18 - Royal Funeral & Queen's Life

Week 2 of the Queen's funeral with a 13 mile long queue in London to see the casket. Honestly, at this stage it might be quicker to just wheel the coffin past everyone along the South Bank but as things go it's sat on a plinth in Westminster surrounded by 4 large candles and it's therefore a shame that Ronnie Corbett is no longer alive to commentate on the proceedings. Talking about celebrities, it seems that Phillip Schofield was caught queue jumping leading for calls for him to be sacked, so I guess that's *two* old queens we won't be hearing from any time soon. Anyway, this week I thought we'd copy the Sunday newspapers and look at a timeline of her reign.

1926 - She was born and unlike you or I, the Queen had two birthdays, I'm guessing that's because she was born twice, an especially painful ordeal for her mother.
1947 - At the age of 21 She made her first overseas visit, to South Africa and to this day 21yo girls from England continue to go there on gap years and feel the needs to broadcast it to the world (via social media).
1948 - The following year she had a child, again something that seems to happen with some of those girls on gap years although to far less acclaim.
1952 - Princess Lizzy became Queen Elizabeth II and the partying led to the end of sweet rationing which had been in place since the war. Roger Bannister subsequently went on to eat a bar of chocolate and run a 4-minute mile on the sugar rush.
1960s - She had a few more children and she met the Beatles who were pop royalty. The Beatles didn't like paying tax in the UK so they actually had a lot more in common with the queen than many would imagine.
1970s - She celebrated her silver jubilee and one of the gifts was a London Underground line which on the map is grey, not silver, because the 1970s were difficult times and money for silver was hard to come by presumably.
1980s - Her children got married and longevity of those marriages was immortalised by the Government in a piece of performance art known as sinking the Belgrano. They don't call it the Royal Navy for nothing!
1992 - Windsor Castle Fire and it would be the worst example of a castle being destroyed by smoke until Roy Castle a couple of years later. The queen referred to 1992 as an 'annus horribilis' which was the same term that the coroner later used when Stuart Lubbock was fished out of Michael Barrymore's swimming pool.
1997 - Princess Diana died and a few years later the Queen Mother died, sending the Diageo share price through the floor. I remember seeing beefeaters at the Queen Mum's funeral, presumably a tribute from the gin company to a long time customer.
2005 - Prince Charles married Camilla and declined an offer by the tabloids to go on a honeymoon to Paris.
2012 - Possibly the highlight of her reign, she took part in the Olympic opening ceremony, in which she met James Bond and parachuted out of a helicopter.
2018 - This was the year she took a slight step back in her public duties, while grooming Charles to take over the role, which he now has. She therefore leaves us a world very changed and also one in which the new king is already in his latter years. Not many people get their first job in their 70s. I guess Charles will sleep soundly though that, what with the rules of homeopathy, the quality of his reign will only be greater the less of it there is. So let's raise a small tincture of wine to the new king.
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2022 Sep 08 - The Queen is Dead

The Queen is dead at the age of 96. Another one bites the dust, but wait, didn’t Freddie Mercury die years ago? Of course not, this is Elizabeth II (or Elizabeth I if you’re Nicola Sturgeon) and there must be a local florist in Balmoral rubbing his hands together at the moment. The news is reporting that she died peacefully in her sleep although there’s a rumour going around that she was actually busy cutting the brakes underneath Meghan Markle’s car when the jack slipped. Her last words ......

2022 Sep 05 - Migrant Bussing in America

One of Princess Diana’s cars was up for sale this week. The 1985 Escort sold for £650k, as compared to Prince Andrew’s 1983 Escort who settled for £12m
Liz Truss is going to be challenging the status quo. Hopefully she’ll be challenging them to learn some new chords or release a new track.
Mikhail Gorbachev passed away. He was the first soviet leader to have been born in the USSR, and it says a lot that about soviet manufacturing that the first time they tried a soviet made leader it des ......

2022 Aug 29 - News Roundup

I’ve been away on holiday the past couple weeks so what did we missed?

- There’s a cost of living crisis is all over the news with many commentators saying that this winter will see people choose between eating or heating although I guess it means we’re either going to solve the obesity crisis or the pensions crisis. Next on the addenda is supposedly a 3 day week and talk about it being like the 1970s which is frankly a load of cobblers because at least there was decent music back then an ......

2022 Jul 22 - Prime Ministers after Stepping Down

All political careers end in failure, but with the resignation of Boris Johnson, a lot of speculation has been made as to what he’s going to do with all that spare time on his hands. Perhaps go on one of those reality tv shows, I'd imagine Love Island would be right up his street albeit they likely don't pay enough. He famously lead a very expensive lifestyle and if you ever hear someone claim he’s outstanding, it’s very possibly a bank manager discussing his overdraft. As such I thought I ......

2022 Jul 15 - SNP Mismanagement

This week I thought we’d look at Scotland, or more specifically the way the place has been managed by the SNP which for decades were an opposition party with one policy, until following the referendum and subsequent election they walked into the sort of majority and absolute control you would normally only see in a country near the equator with nicer weather. Nicola Sturgeon and her supporters though have since embraced the idea of Scotland being a one-party state although those have famously ......

2022 Jul 08 - Boris Resigns

Boris Johnson was finally forced to step down this week after weeks of speculation. Wednesday morning saw a landslide of resignations with the cabinet falling apart faster than an old one from Ikea. Officially he’ll remain in the job until the Conservative party chooses a new leader and he can get a reasonable quote from a moving company, good luck with that right now.

The last week had started off the same as previous weeks but the important thing to remember is that Boris himself had said ......

2022 Jul 03 - Update on America

Singer R Kelly got sentenced to 30 years in jail and Ghislaine Maxwell got 20 years in jail. Yet another example of a woman being given less for doing the same work as a man.

Ukraine has urged the world to respond after a Russian ship left Berdyansk with 7,000 tons of stolen grain. Putin said, they ‘corn’ have it back.

After the railway workers, apparently Barristers are going to go on strike. That presumably means that it’s going to be more dangerous to go up and down the stairs this su ......

2022 Jun 26 - Roe v Wade Overturned

Paul McCartney played at Glastonbury. I wonder if the body double who conspiracists say replaced him in 1966 thought he’d have to keep the act going for this long.

Garry Lineker gave an interview in which he claimed to have sufferer racist abuse due to having slightly tanned skin. Or maybe they were just annoyed about him constantly going around nicking peoples’ crisps. Of course identifying as an ethnic minority thus opens the door to suing the BBC if they ever try to cut his pay. Or maybe ......

2022 Jun 19 - Biden falls off a bike

Joe Biden fell off a bike. You can tell it’s a slow news week when that makes the news headlines every few years, you might remember when George W Bush fell off a bike, although it at least made a change from the time he fell off the wagon. Either way the stumbling mess is a perfect metaphor for an administration that seemingly decided to use the 50th anniversary of Watergate to remind Americans how great Nixon and Jimmy Carter were compared to who they get to vote for these days

In Britain ......

2022 Jun 11 - Boris Survives

This last week finally saw the Conservative party call for a vote of no confidence and the Prime minister performed an art of escapology akin to what you would normally see in Las Vegas, to the extend that I could have see him choosing to replace Larry the Cat with 2 large white tigers. Under the terms of the party’s system, that means he’s safe in the job for another year and so for most onlookers it’s like seeing an old car where one of the doors is a different colour, somehow get past a ......

2022 Jun 05 - Queen's Jubilee

Mariah Carey is being sued for $20m by someone who claims she stole the song “All I want for Christmas Is You” And in similar news I’ve investigated suing her for a similar amount after having to hear the song every year since 1994

Robbie Williams has said “Fame should come with a warning” and if you ask me, it should also come with an expiration date

The racing jockey Lester Piggott passed away at the age of 86, apparently the funeral is going to be on Wednesday, at 10-1. Finance ......

2022 May 29 - Partygate

In the news this week

Disgraced actor Kevin Spacey in trouble again and facing 4 charges of assault. In his defense, he said that all he did was ask the young men if they wanted the part.

America has a baby food shortage at the movement which is officially being blamed on the driver shortage as well as one of the few massive factories being closed in what is a tight and regulated industry. Although if you want my 2 cents, there were none of these shortages issue until met started letting men g ......

2022 May 22 - Monkeypox

Finland and Sweden have announced plans to join Nato so I for one want to congratulate whichever one of them it is that ends up winning the Eurovision song contest next year. Talking of which the European Broadcasting Union is apparently investigating the possibility that last week’s song contest vote was attacked by hackers, trying to influence the result. One of the key pieces of evidence in that investigation must surely be that Britain got lots of points.

There’s a story here, “Seve ......

2022 May 15 - Ukraine Update

The war in Ukraine took a turn for worst this week with yet another atrocity, this time in the form of Bono showing up for a concert. Locals tried to explain they wanted the intervention of the UN, not U2 and it wouldn’t surprise me if some radio’d in for the Russians to bomb the concert. Also in music related news this week, Saturday saw Ukraine win the Eurovision song contest. Under the rules of the competition that means that next year’s event will possibly be hosted it its new capital ......

2022 May 08 - Roe vs Wade Rumour

18 people died in Havana Cuba, after a gas explosion at a hotel. It’s unclear if the owner had Fidel’d with the meter.

The governor of the British Virgin Islands has had to step down following an arrest for drug smuggling and in unrelated news, Prince Andrew says he‘d like to get back to work although he’s maybe unclear what the job entails, being Governor of the British Virgin Islands

Also the local election results in the UK. The prime minister started the week more nervous than a lo ......

2022 May 01 - Elon Must Buys Twitter

MP Neil Parish has been forced to resign after being caught looking at looking at adult websites. Allegedly the clip featured a blonde watching on as a man of Indian descent screwed the taxpayer. Anyway, like I said he’s now stood down, presumably after being stood up the other night, on the internet, whilst the rest of the back-benches make do with smutty remarks about Angela Rayner

Tennis legend Boris Becker was declared bankrupt about 5 years ago but just this last week he was convicted an ......

2022 Apr 24 - French Election

- Amusing scenes at the world snooker championship as a pigeon flew onto the table. Although some of us are old enough to remember when a Parrot won the tournament in 1991
- A story about a double decker on fire in Glasgow, which is certainly a step up from a fried Mars Bar
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2022 Apr 17 - News Roundup

Lots of stories in the news this week

- Joe Biden has promised a billion dollars worth of high-tech military equipment to the Ukrainian army, with the one stipulation that they have to collect it from Afghanistan.
- Boris Johnson announced that asylum seekers are going to be processed in an overseas centre hosted by the Rwandan government. Which is you’re an economic migrant travelling from Morocco or Libya essentially means that the prime minister has achieved the Guinness record for the wo ......

2022 Apr 10 - Rishi Sunak's Wife

The health agency NICE have said that to consider yourself healthy your waist should be less than half your height, although they failed to follow it up with a suitable explanation as to how I'm supposed to grow 14 inches

And the Prime Minister just visited Ukraine but most of the headlines have been about Rishi Sunak's wife who got caught out this week for being very wealthy and not paying any UK taxes on any of it. She's so wealthy in fact that she can afford to leave the heating turned up, b ......