2023 Sep 03 - Back to School


It's back to school, I'm back from holiday and it seems that even the school supplies shopping couldn't stop Wilko from going bust - they had with a balance sheet weaker than a LibDem handshake

The Edinburgh festival had some controversy this year but it also had some great jokes, like the one where Nicola Sturgeon talked about her new book and how her choosing to resign had nothing to be with her being arrested.

Vladimir Putin sacked one of his senior army officials and then a few days later Yevgeny Prigozhin died in a tragic air accident. Or you could also say that Vladimir fired one and flambéed the other.

There was the conclusion of Lucy Letby's ghastly court case and my conclusion was that the woman should have been strangled at birth. A friend told me a joke where Lucy gets cast into a desolate pit, filled with crying screaming people and a demon tells her "welcome to hell" and she replies, "thank goodness, I thought I'd been reinstated in an NHS hospital"

There was the Womens' World Cup, where they girls failed to win, proving conclusively that they're just as bad as the mens' team. Personally, I didn't actually realise the game was happening, in part because I'm Scottish but mostly because I don't watch the BBC

Mohamed Al-Fayed died, almost 26 years to the day after Princess Diana, Diana's name was famously an acronym for Died In A Nasty Accident, she'll be forever in our hears, windscreens and french roads

Michael Parkinson also died, although at least his family can now claim that over-50s life cover he spent the last couple decades banging on about. I'd quite like to imagine the scene where he goes through the pearly gates, meets up with Rod Hull and swings a punchy now that it's just the 2 of them.

A child at my kid's school self-identifies as a donkey, their initials are He and Haw
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2023 Jul 28 - Woke Companies

This week I thought we'd talk about the world of American companies dicovering that going woke makes you go broke. It was recently the 4th of July and for several decades the most popular beer in the US was Budweiser, until this year when it didn't even make the top 10. This is all due to that Dylan Mulvaney nonsense where they rebranded the blue collar beer to specifically appeal to men who are also keen to advertise their love for transvesticism. The irony really is that they could have appeal ......

2023 Jul 22 - News Summary

Tony Bennett died this week at the age of 96. It doesn't seem to give a cause of death although I'd head Crooner-virus suggested.

The Huw Edwards story seems to have fallen off the radar and yet he is still claiming a salary. If makes me wonder whether we've finally reached the point where bringing the BBC into disrepute is no longer achievable.

Vladimir Putin canceled a trip to South Africa after threats that he would be arrested for war crimes. I was looking at various photos on the web, and ......

2023 Jul 15 - Guess Huw

Interesting developments this week as the News at 10 turned into the No Huws at 10, before Hugh Edwards was back on the news but more as a story than a presenter. He was of course until quite recently a well respected news figure at the BBC, just recently leading the reporting on the death and funeral of Queen Elizabeth, but this week the only thing that died was his career after it turned out he'd been paying 10s of thousands of pounds for explicit photographs from a 17 year old. Photographs th ......

2023 Jul 02 - France & Russia

More whinging and whining at Harry's court case with talk about what damages he should receive. A friend of mine suggested he should have his nose damaged, his legs damaged and he even offered to do it personally round the back of the high court.

Madonna was gravely ill this week and is apparently "vomiting uncontrollably" which I assume is a synonym for saying she's working on a new album

The civil unrest situation in France has also been getting worse although the media has been complicit in ......

2023 Jun 22 - Titanic Accident

Pretty much the only news story this week was the fate of the submersible that went to visit the Titanic on what turned out to be a more permanent trip than was advertised although they were depressingly spot on about the promise to leave customers breathless. Maybe I shouldn't make jokes, how could I sink so low, but then the BBC were getting in on the act too when they posted the story as "Breaking news" The sad part of it all is that if only there hadn't been any British taxpayers on board, t ......

2023 Jun 18 - Boris

Silvio Berlusconi passed away at the the age of 86. I saw a notice saying "Rest in Peace" and certainly the families of young Italian girls can now rest easy.

Ted Kaczynski also passed away, he was the Unabomber who killed and injured dozens of people before being arrested in the 90s. There's not expected to be many people at the funeral because invitations have been posted out but people are understandably worried about opening the packages.

Nicola Sturgeon still reeling from her visit from t ......

2023 Jun 11 - News Summary

More climate hysteria as scientists say Cod might disappear within 20 years. Oh well, plenty more fish in the sea.

Bernie Ecclestone is in trouble with HMRC and having to deny a £400m tax fraud. In his defence the 92yo maybe paid that money to his 35yo wife fair in square when she handed him an invoice for marrying her.

More twists in the federal indictment against Donald Trump after it turn out that he stored boxes of government documents in his bathroom. I don't blame him trying to save mon ......

2023 Jun 04 - News Summary

A man fell into a giant vat of coffee, the coroner said it was instant

There was a terrible train crash in India that killed 120 people. I have a friend who works for the railway in the UK who said that there are controls in place that mean that sort of thing could never happen in Britain. Things like the staff being on strike. Or finding 120 people that can afford a ticket

Phillip Schofield's career has continued to go downhill after being kicked off of ITV for having an affair with a young m ......

2023 May 21 - Electric Cars Debunk


This week I thought we'd take a deep dive into the world of electric vehicles because whilst people have lost interest in the coronavirus, the 'car owner virus' for electric vehicles seems to have infected a large swathe of the population and it too is being heavily pushed by the government and the BBC, plus it was also designed in America but manufactured largely in China.

Owning an electric car these days offers the buyer the sort of dinner party bragging rights that used to only be attained ......

2023 May 14 - Eurovision & Ukraine

The official portraits were released of the Coronation and seeing King Charles in a purple hat, he really looks more and more like his mother.

Following the coronation, Adjoa Andoh stirred up some controversy by pointing out that balcony had been "terribly white" There was no followup suggesting how to resolve that perceived issue though. Most of the royal's are already married and Prince Andrew remains one of the few remaining single royals. Except he's also in his 60s and the left surely aren ......

2023 May 07 - King Charles' Coronation

More developments in the SNP money scandal, police apparently seized a number of items including a wheelbarrow, presumably the one used to move the piles of from the office, into Nicola Sturgeon's garden shed. From what I can gather speaking to folk, 50% of people in Scotland think the story is an important issue, 50% of people are bored hearing about it and 10% of people are unsure. Those numbers don't add up to 100% because the maths was done by Nicola's husband.

Plenty of destruction first a ......

2023 Apr 30 - News Summary

Another US bank is on the verge of collapse, this time it's First Republic Bank and here's a joke for you Q: What do dubious woke financial institutions have in common with the Eiffel Tower? A: They're both Paris Sites

Only a week to go until the coronation and the household cavalry are practicing a new ceremonial duty. In preparation of Prince Harry possibly showing up they're preparing for the changing of the locks

I heard that a member of the royal family had died, turns out it was the TV s ......

2023 Apr 23 - News Summary

Nicola Sturgeon is learning to drive, part of which must be learning how to successfully perform a U-turn. Talking about driving and Scotland, I've always thought it stange how so many F1 drivers are named after Scottish place names. Lewis Hamilton, Johnny Dumfries, Stirling Moss, and Ayr Town Center.

There was a survey in America showing people believe the US Supreme Court is less trustworthy than organised religion. As compared to the UK where most people the British Supreme Court is less tru ......

2023 Apr 16 - The SNP & Bud Light

It's 4 years since the fire at Notre Dame. The police still don't know who started it although they have a hunch

Arnold Schwarzenegger posted a video of him filling in potholes. That's fairly physically demanding work at his age, I imagine that afterwards he said "Ahh...me back!"

There's also been more revelations about the SNP and the seized Campervan. This was the £100k motorhome seized from Peter Murrell's mother, the SNP claim they purchased it to use as a battle bus and that she was just ......

2023 Apr 09 - Peter Murrell Arrested

The band S-Club 7 are going to be named S-Club 6 after the death of band-member. As a double whammy for fans, the ticket prices for the upcoming reunion are going to have to go up due to it being 14% less rubbish.

Garry Lineker is saying that Alan Hansen left Match of the Day because of the nerves. Yeah Garry, you getting on them

But let's talk about the main story this week. Older viewers might remember that episode of Porridge where Fletcher writes a cleverly worded letter to his missus, and ......

2023 Apr 02 - Biden vs Trump

Climate change activists threaten to glue themselves to the Grand National racetrack in order to disrupt or prevent the horse race. It does make you wonder if they know where glue comes from.

Oscar Pistorious looks set to get released early on parole, apparently he's unlikely to jump bail. And physically unable. Roses are red, violets are glorious, never creep up on Oscar Pistorious

There was another high school shooting in the US. Apparently the leading cause of death there in under 16 year o ......

2023 Mar 26 - French Protests

The clocks are going back this weekend, which means that commuters on Southern Rail might be lucky enough to see the trains turn up 20 minutes early. Unfortunately it's a busy weekend for staff at Windsor Castle where gardening team will have to rotate all the sundials by 15 degrees

There was the inquiry into Partygate, setting out to determine whether Boris was suitable to manage a party, whether it be the the Conservative Party or that other one with all the wine

Anger in cheshire after a wo ......

2023 Mar 18 - SVB Collapse

Sir Michael Caine turned 90 and 'not a lot of people knoww that
I received an email asking me to spell "maps" backwards but it turned out to be spam

The big story this week though was the collapse of the US financial firm Silicon Valley Bank, which in turn has set of a chain of donimos around the world that threaten to destroy the lifestyles of some executives who'd hoped to retire in their 50s but whose share certificates may now as well have pictures of that Dogecoin dog on it. They could bar ......

2023 Mar 11 - Garry Lineker Sacked

Mystic Meg passed away and all across the lands, people commented "She didn't see that coming" When asked about the funeral arrangements, the family said that a lady in black serving drinks might be there and the names John or Alice may be attending too-ooo-oo.

Saudi Arabia and Iran have restored diplomatic ties. Although I won't "beheading" to either of those places any time soon. I remember reading about a man out there who was caught stealing hand disinfectant. Although I guess on the plus s ......