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2022 Jun 11 - Boris Survives

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This last week finally saw the Conservative party call for a vote of no confidence and the Prime minister performed an art of escapology akin to what you would normally see in Las Vegas, to the extend that I could have see him choosing to replace Larry the Cat with 2 large white tigers. Under the terms of the party’s system, that means he’s safe in the job for another year and so for most onlookers it’s like seeing an old car where one of the doors is a different colour, somehow get past an MOT. And for the sake of metaphorical accuracy, let’s make that car an old 90s Vauxhall Cavalier, what with the word cavalier describing pretty much what went on, but also allowing a nice link to Charles I, and the topic of regicide and removing leaders.

The conservative party is quite keen on it as hobbies go, and seem to have a leadership election every couple of years in the same way that you or I might decide to buy a new laptop, in both cases it’s just easier to just get a new one that fix the old one, especially when it’s been permenantly damaged by an accident involving some wine

The Labour party have a system where it’s almost impossible to successfully challenge an incumbent leader, they tend to hang around until they lose an election, sometimes longer, which is possibly why Tony Blair remains the last Leader to have actually won any elections since Harold Wilson back in 1974. That’s a time so long ago that Rominic Raab was only 3 days old and Rishi Sunak hadn’t even been born, although he was perhaps already being listed as a company director on the books in order to hide overseas earnings.

Anyway, back to Boris, nearly 40% of his MPs voted against him although it’s genuinely hard to tell if that’s a good or a bad thing. The last Conservative leader to be removed successfully was Iain Duncan Smith who was supported by the grass roots members, all while the MPs wanted Ken Clarke in charge. Many forget that Theresa May survived her challenges and eventually resigned after the 3 meaningful votes on Brexit nonsense, a trilogy of voting that is probably up there with The Hobbit trilogy in terms of being a complete waste of everyone’s time. Comparisons could be made to Thatcher but at this point, why? We are where we are and I would probably have Boris in charge, for the simple reason that unlike many others in Parliament, he has no intention of dealing with Ukraine by placing the British Army under the command of a joint-EU defence force; he’s also not going to push for a vote on Irish Unification under the guise of Brussels rules, simply because a journalist mentioned it on Facebook; and because finally, quite frankly, he’s still a better electoral offering than anyone else on his side, let alone what the Labour Party has to offer. If Boris is a Vauxhall Cavelier, it’s still a preferable car to drive than a… (wait for it)… Kia Starmer.
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2022 Jun 05 - Queen's Jubilee

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Mariah Carey is being sued for $20m by someone who claims she stole the song “All I want for Christmas Is You” And in similar news I’ve investigated suing her for a similar amount after having to hear the song every year since 1994

Robbie Williams has said “Fame should come with a warning” and if you ask me, it should also come with an expiration date

The racing jockey Lester Piggott passed away at the age of 86, apparently the funeral is going to be on Wednesday, at 10-1. Finance ......

2022 May 29 - Partygate

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In the news this week

Disgraced actor Kevin Spacey in trouble again and facing 4 charges of assault. In his defense, he said that all he did was ask the young men if they wanted the part.

America has a baby food shortage at the movement which is officially being blamed on the driver shortage as well as one of the few massive factories being closed in what is a tight and regulated industry. Although if you want my 2 cents, there were none of these shortages issue until met started letting men g ......

2022 May 22 - Monkeypox

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Finland and Sweden have announced plans to join Nato so I for one want to congratulate whichever one of them it is that ends up winning the Eurovision song contest next year. Talking of which the European Broadcasting Union is apparently investigating the possibility that last week’s song contest vote was attacked by hackers, trying to influence the result. One of the key pieces of evidence in that investigation must surely be that Britain got lots of points.

There’s a story here, “Seve ......

2022 May 15 - Ukraine Update

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The war in Ukraine took a turn for worst this week with yet another atrocity, this time in the form of Bono showing up for a concert. Locals tried to explain they wanted the intervention of the UN, not U2 and it wouldn’t surprise me if some radio’d in for the Russians to bomb the concert. Also in music related news this week, Saturday saw Ukraine win the Eurovision song contest. Under the rules of the competition that means that next year’s event will possibly be hosted it its new capital ......

2022 May 08 - Roe vs Wade Rumour

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18 people died in Havana Cuba, after a gas explosion at a hotel. It’s unclear if the owner had Fidel’d with the meter.

The governor of the British Virgin Islands has had to step down following an arrest for drug smuggling and in unrelated news, Prince Andrew says he‘d like to get back to work although he’s maybe unclear what the job entails, being Governor of the British Virgin Islands

Also the local election results in the UK. The prime minister started the week more nervous than a lo ......

2022 May 01 - Elon Must Buys Twitter

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MP Neil Parish has been forced to resign after being caught looking at looking at adult websites. Allegedly the clip featured a blonde watching on as a man of Indian descent screwed the taxpayer. Anyway, like I said he’s now stood down, presumably after being stood up the other night, on the internet, whilst the rest of the back-benches make do with smutty remarks about Angela Rayner

Tennis legend Boris Becker was declared bankrupt about 5 years ago but just this last week he was convicted an ......

2022 Apr 24 - French Election

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- Amusing scenes at the world snooker championship as a pigeon flew onto the table. Although some of us are old enough to remember when a Parrot won the tournament in 1991
- A story about a double decker on fire in Glasgow, which is certainly a step up from a fried Mars Bar
- The UN have declared David Attenbourough 'champion of the earth' although I missed the fight, maybe it was on pay-per-view. He seems a bit old to be doing that sort of thing too although I guess that never stopped the later ......

2022 Apr 17 - News Roundup

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Lots of stories in the news this week

- Joe Biden has promised a billion dollars worth of high-tech military equipment to the Ukrainian army, with the one stipulation that they have to collect it from Afghanistan.
- Boris Johnson announced that asylum seekers are going to be processed in an overseas centre hosted by the Rwandan government. Which is you’re an economic migrant travelling from Morocco or Libya essentially means that the prime minister has achieved the Guinness record for the wo ......

2022 Apr 10 - Rishi Sunak's Wife

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The health agency NICE have said that to consider yourself healthy your waist should be less than half your height, although they failed to follow it up with a suitable explanation as to how I'm supposed to grow 14 inches

And the Prime Minister just visited Ukraine but most of the headlines have been about Rishi Sunak's wife who got caught out this week for being very wealthy and not paying any UK taxes on any of it. She's so wealthy in fact that she can afford to leave the heating turned up, b ......

2022 Apr 03 - Will Smith & Prince Andrew

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Let's stop talking about the modern day Tzar in order to talk about two princes, both of whom made a spectacle of themselves this last week.

Fist of all, the Fresh Prince, Will Smith, decided to make the Oscars watchable for the first time in years after punching Chris Rock following a joke he told about Will's bald wife. I bet Will wishes he still had that memory erasing wand from the Men In Black film series. Anyway, it at least makes a change from the usual charade where several hundred atte ......

2022 Mar 27 - Ukraine Week 5

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A new blood test can apparently diagnose Alzheimer's 30 years in advance, I guess if that’s the sort of thing you want to look forward too.
Parents in Wales are no longer entitled to smack. Which is good news of class-A drug users elsewhere.
Talking of which Taylor Hawkins from band the Foo Fighters has died. He was a drummer in Colombia so you can guess the rest of that story

This week there was a G20 conference to discuss the Ukraine situation and as expected it was about as useful as air c ......

2022 Mar 20 - Ukraine Week 4

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Boat operator P&O have sacked 800 members of staff with immediate effect, which seems 'ferry' unfair.

Emma Watson used her BAFTA appearance to attack JK Rowling. If I were Rowling then I'd get set to work, writing a new Harry Potter film in which Hermione puts on a ton of weight, starts eating live snails

Fuel prices are still going up. I recently asked the wife if she wanted to go for a fancy dinner, with champagne and caviar and the like. She said she'd be happy just to go on a romantic driv ......

2022 Mar 13 - Ukraine Week 3

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The actor and convicted liar Jussie Smollet has been sentenced to jail for that fictional attack he made up and reported in 2020 to gain publicity. Perhaps he will file file an appeal against the decision to lock him up in the same cell as his attacker

And Saudi Arabia just executed 81 people in one day. You’d think that would behead-line news.

But talking about oil-rich countries with grisly human rights records, the news is still dominated by the war in Ukraine. This week's events have see ......

2022 Mar 06 - Ukraine

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This week:
Australian cricket legend Shane Warne just passed away so perhaps it will be his ashes that the team will be playing for later this summer. Sorry, that's in poor taste, he must be spinning in his grave. "Spinning" (geddit?)
London is still looking for a new head of police after Cressida Dick's forced resignation. London of course has an ever increasing problem with knife crime and the government want a new commissioner to take a stab at it.

And Australian TV show Neighbours is to fin ......

2022 Feb 27 - Ukraine Invasion

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The Russian Invasion of Ukraine finally kicked off this week with the troops rolling in to capture Chernobyl, which seemed somewhat of an odd place to want to capture, it's like if the Chinese launched a war against Japan and their first strategic target was weird island with the thousands of cats living on it. Anyway I guess it made sense in a way because it's not like anyone in NATO wants to risk bombing them there, it's bad enough when a drone accidentally hits a school or hospital, let alone ......

2022 Feb 19 - Prince Andrew and Storm Eunice

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It’s been about two years but things might be getting back to normal after all because rather than covid the main news stories have been royal gossip and "the weather"

Let's look at the first of those stories, the Prince Andrew saga, which concluded by him agreeing to settle the matter out of court and thus changing the nursery rhyme: "The Grand Old Duke of York, he had 12 million quid, he gave it to someone he never met for something he never did" In America there is a far ruder version of ......

2022 Feb 13 - Smart Meters

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In the News:

University Challenge host Bamber Gasgoine passed away. One of his many catchphrases back in the day was "starter for 10" which coincidentally is also what Dianne Abbot asks for when she visits a restaurant

Fashion news after Primark announced a bizarre pair-up with bakery chain Greggs, apparently they're going be be launching a limited edition range of clothes. Although in some ways that makes sense, the last time I ate pastry from there half of it ended up down by front anyway.

......

2022 Feb 05 - Boris Still Hanging On

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China has banned smoking in schools, although I think the children are still allowed to smoke in the workplace.
Controversy over music steaming company Spotify who have decided to not cancel their controversial but wildly popular and lucrative Joe Rogan podcast. Personally speaking, I’m not into that stuff because I still get my music the old fashioned way, pirated mp3s off the internet.
This last week, February 2nd, was Groundhog Day, the folky holiday from Pennsylvania made into the brillian ......

2022 Jan 30 - Ukraine

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Arnold Schwarzenegger was involved in a nasty car accident, so presumably the police are looking to speak to Linda Hamilton or Robert Patrick
The Conservative Party has put in some paperwork with the Electoral Commission to rename itself “The Conservative Work Event”
Professional attention-seeker, conman and part-time magician Uri Gellar has claimed that an alien invasion is imminent, although perhaps he just doesn’t know how to spell “Russian”

Because this week’s main story has bee ......