2019 Dec 14 - Election Aftermath and the Labour Party

Boris Johnson has been re-elected and Jeremy Corbyn has resigned after being shown to be as popular on the doorstep as that childhood joke where you set fire to a paper bag with a dog poop in it. I thought this week I'd look at the online Labour reaction, using the 7 stages of grief framework.

1) Shock
When the BBC Exit poll first came out, people were astonished, to see something on the BBC saying something positive about the Conservative Party. It was surreal, like watching an episode of Through The Keyhole where Lloyd Grossman broke into the house before making off with the contents.
2) Denial
The denial part is where Corbyn Supporters saw the results and assumed that there must be several hundred Labour contituencies to declare. Even several days after all the counts are long done. Even putting Dianne Abbott in charge of the recount couldn't have fixed things though because the real denial though has been over the past 4 or years though, denying that Corbyn is unpopular outside of London. Denying that Brexit is happening, Denying the time of day to anyone that disagrees. That brings us to
3) Anger
Anger at traditional Labour voters who were apparently too brainless to do what they're told. The internet is a pretty dark place, just look at the anonymous comments underneath news stories about Prince Andrew, many of which are darker and more evil than the crimes being alleged. But the worst anger is reserved for the idiot, stupid, racist, bigoted, simpleminded scum that refused to vote for their local candidate who had cancelled a wine tasting and flown in all the way from Highgate to visit them.
4) Bargaining
This is where they think that it will be ok because the EU has the power to cancel Brexit, or the court system will intervene or maybe half the conservatives will still in principle be in favour of a 2nd referendum like that time Rory Stewart wanted to start a new parliament run from the upstairs room in a local pub. This sort of stuff is probably the most delusional part so far, more than that nonsense about putting Clive Lewis in charge of the nations broadband or banning airplanes or thinking that the British Army should spend the spring writing handwritten apology letters to Gerry Adams.
5) Depression.
Yes a lot of Labour students are depressed but the most depressed people surely are Theresa May who just witnessed Boris do what she couldn't, as well as Nick Clegg who knows that Boris is there for 5 years thanks to the rules that he put in place and the referendum that he spent years in opposition agitating for. There will be bearded man handing out presents this Christmas, but it won't be Jeremy Corbyn, although I suppose some Labour activists will take solace with the fact that St Nicolas was from the Middle East because everyone knows when a Turkish immigrant enters your home in the middle of the night it's because society is racist and the system (and you specifically) forced them to do it.
6) Testing.
This is where you finally "seek realistic solutions" which in political activism terms means the usual rubbish: Britain has changed for the worse and they're going to escape it and emigrate. Obviously they're not but it's important to suggest it so their friends know how liberal and left-wing they are. Actually, I will give Tony Blair some credit when it comes to this: fake mid-atlantic accent, 5-star hotel stays in Davos and a tan that makes him resemble the Cuprinol man, he's at leas made a decent go of staying as far away from the scene of his crimes as possible.
7) Acceptance.
This hasn't happened quite yet, the party isn't there, and be until a new leader takes control and does a full-scale review of what happened. As a shortcut guide though, 3 important questions to ask any Labour leadership candidates would be: "Was Bin Laden a goodie or a baddie?" "Do you think that Mossad controls editorial decisions on The One Show?" and "Do you know how to eat a bacon sandwich?"
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