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2019 Apr 20 - Notre Dame & London Protests

20190420
This week started with the sad news that a fire had almost led to the destruction of Notre Dame, and certainly Quasimodo will have to spend the next couple of years living on the Phantom of the Opera's sofa. The atrocity drove to people around the world pledging hundreds of millions of Euros to rebuild and President Macron says it may be rebuilt in just a couple of years, presumably because there's an election in 2022 and he'd like to reopen the cathedral as a last act of office before he's kicked out for being about as unpopular as Henry V was back in 1415. Mind you, the Sagrada Familia cathedral in Barcelona has been under construction since 1882 and it's still not finished, although the wine is somehow even cheaper in Spain than it is in France (if such a thing is even legal) so that's maybe got something to do with the pace of things. This being the internet of course, the conspiracy theorists showed up faster than the fire brigade to deliver a torrent of not water but crazy ideas about how the government decided to start the fire in order to distract from President Macron's unpopularity although officials said since stated that the fire was almost certainly caused by a short circuit. Hang on a minute, wasn't the robot in the movie Short Circuit originally part of a secret military programme? Maybe those conspiracy theories have something to them.

The other news this week was the climate change protest in London in which many hundreds of people assembled in order to make demands, such as the demand that the BBC wildly overstate the attendance of the protest. For the most part, the marge was a jolly good time if you didn't have a job to attend that day, which most of the rich Islington mummies frankly didn't. The actual demands of course are fairly ludicrous and only achievable if we decided to ban modern agriculture, travelling abroad and making products that contain metal, especially aluminium which uses more energy to make a single soda can than a hair dryer would if you left it running for half an hour. The other issue of course is that China and India have about as much chance of signing up to any climate deal as MPs have to signing up to Theresa's tardy piece of parliamentary paperwork. I genuinely think that if the two asian superpowers ever went to war with each other, there would be an evironmentalist on Radio 4 brought in to give a spiel on how the deaths of half a billion people was ultimately a positive step forward for the environment. Did I say environmentalist? I mean to simply say "mentalist"
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2019 Apr 13 - Julian Assange Arrested

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Just taking a look at the science news and apparently an Israeli space mission ended in failure when the rocket crashed into the moon, having presumably missed its original target of the Gaza Strip.

But the main news this week in my mind was the arrest of Julian Assange. After 7 years of living in the Ecuadorian embassy to avoid extradition to the US, he's finally been shown the (Ecua)-door let's just hope that he didn't leave his car parked outside otherwise he'll have face far greater consequ ......

2019 Apr 06 - May Asks Corbyn for Help

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I was once told by a motivational speaker to stand up for what I believe in, and I wondered, "what if it's comfy chairs?" Well this week Theresa May continued to stand for nothing and show no shame as she decided to invite Jeremy Corbyn in for talks, in a similar but different manner to that in which the Ulster police used to regularly invite in Mr Corbyn's friends in for questioning. This has of course gotten nowhere because Jeremy Corbyn is ideologically opposed to both aspects of what she's a ......

2019 Mar 30 - Theresa May fails a 3rd time

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There's that expression "third time's a chart" but it's not always true, as Theresa May found out this week after her third attempt at passing her "deal" achieved about the same level of success as someone heading into a pub claiming they can only stay for one. The Prime Minister's actually discussed having a 4th go at it and it's almost become like watching someone repeatedly failing to give up smoking or learn a foreign language. I wonder whether Theresa has a copy of the novel Finnegans Wake ......

2019 Mar 23 - Mueller Report

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It’s been a busy week, asides from Brexit one of the big stories was the announcement that ISIS had finally been defeated, which is similar in concept to when their shoplifters were de-handed on many an occasion.

But the big story of the week was the completion of the Mueller Report which revealed that, drumroll please… Revealed that the past 2 years have been a complete waste of everyone’s time. It makes Theresa May’s 2 years in Brussels seem fairly productive in comparison; at least s ......

2019 Mar 17 - St Patrick's Day Brexit Update

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It's been an especially violent and confrontational week but luckily today is St Patricks day, when we can forget about everything as we sip on a pint of Guinness and contemplate Ireland's long and famously violence free history. Q: What do you call a bulletproof irishman? A: Rick O'Shea Anyway, for now I'll stop, or should I say "backstop" because I suppose I should get back to the Brexit news.

The week saw Theresa May return to Westminster to have a second go at passing her Brexit agreement ......

2019 Mar 09 - North Korea Again

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Earlier this week I was wondering if Elton John liked Lettuce, then I realised that he was more of a rocket man. Well someone else who likes rockets is Kim Jong Un after satellite images this week revealed that the oversized dictator decided to rebuild the rocket launch site that had previously been destroyed.

Talks between the US and North Korea broke down recently so the communists decided to mark the occasion by rebuilding some rockets which will also almost certainly break down and fall int ......

2019 Mar 03 - India and Pakistan

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There was an especially high level of filler in the news this week, yet more articles about Brexit not to mention a selection of social and environmental stories that are about as newsworthy as if Fiona Bruce hosted a debate over whether to add the milk before or after the teabag. Yet in the mean time the world actually came pretty close to starting World War 3 this week when military tensions between India and Pakistan rose higher than an estimate for Jeff Bezos’ divorce bill.

The way that ......

2019 Feb 23 - Shamima Begum

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This week has seen a lot of debate, by which I mean politicallyy correct attention seeking, over whether teenager Shamima Begum should be allowed to return to the UK, after spending years living in ISIS controlled territory and discovering that 'ISIS' rhymes with 'crisis' and that like those still holding onto Blackberry telephones, the jihadist extremists are very much on the losing side these days; the territory held has been reduced to just a couple of hundred square miles, approximately the ......

2019 Feb 15 - Airbus A380 Ending Production

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This week saw Airbus announce that it was going to be ending production of its iconic A380, the double decker aircraft with a price tag as large as its size and its size matched only by the length of the security queue as people look at their watches and ponder two questions: 1) How is a bottle of water as dangerous as the machine gun next to it on the banned items list and 2) If you had planned to take a machine gun on board where were you planning on putting it? It certainly won't fit in the o ......

2019 Feb 03 - Russian Threats

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There have been a lot of ludicrous scare stories in the press about how Brexit will lead to war, pestilence, the deaths of millions, Jimmy Savile coming back to life, all the iPhones being rounded up and other similarly sensationalist nonsense. To be honest I doubt anything could be worse than the current situation where Tony Blair is given air time and political debate is reduced to discussing how everything from healthcare or the price of a train ticket is as a result of Brexit, or sometimes a ......

2019 Jan 27 - Mugabe & Macedonia

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With Brexit and President Trump hogging the headlines, sometimes it's easy to forget that there's a whole world of news out there and I don't mean the sports section of the newspaper, or that advertising section selling either made-to-measure chinos or perhaps premium rate phone numbers, depending on your newspaper of choice. I thought this week we'd look elsewhere and talk about 2 other things that happened in the world this week.

First of all to Zimbabwe and here's a joke for you: How does Ro ......

2019 Jan 19 - US Government Shutdown

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With Theresa May continuing to run down the clock, let's take a look at America where a government shutdown has been going on for several weeks, long enough that even drum soloists have started to look at their watches and question how much longer it has to go.

Normally budget disputes are solved by both sides coming together and agreeing to get the next year funded on the condition that certain additional chunks of money are set aside for wasteful but politically important job creation schemes ......

2019 Jan 13 - Brexit Update

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In spite of a referendum to supposedly settle the issue, Brexit apparently remains one of those divisive things, like marmite or Justin Bieber, although actually at least with those two most people can agree on the fact that they both go best on the end of a knife. Maybe a better example would be the film 2001 which is either a stunning untouchable masterpiece or (if you're under 30) in dire need of a reboot with laser fights and maybe Chris Hemsworth. Unfortunately that's the level of intellect ......

2019 Jan 05 - Happy New Year

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Happy new year, it's 2019. I imagine that if you asked Diane Abbott what 17 plus 1 is she'd reply, 20(or)019. This is also (finally) the year that science fiction film Blade Runner is set in so while we count down to Elon Musk selling us tickets to the off-world colonies, let's maybe take a look at what the next few months have in store down here on earth,

First to America where a new house of representatives have just taken their seats and promised to pass all sorts of crazy laws for the senat ......

2018 Dec 20 - Calvins Swiss Adventure

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I'm going to be away on holiday the next 2 weeks in the far north of Scotland so there won't be any new uploads until the new year. However, because I'm a generous individual, I've produced a Christmas present for you all in the form of a point and click adventure game which you can all play for free by clicking on the "Game" tab above

It really is free, not those "free" government services where they force you to pay hundreds of pounds at the end of every month. In "Calvin's Swiss Adventure" ......

2018 Dec 15 - What keeps May going?

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This week Theresa May finally grasped the idea that her deal has about the same chance of being formally enshrined in law as the 5-second rule or that one about stepping on the cracks in the pavement. A few days later and she flew out to Europe once more, expecting the EU commission to ditch ideological purity in favour of pragmatism or economics. There's about as much chance of that happening as there is of seeing Jade Goody being the face on the back of the new £50 note. After 2 years Mrs May ......

2018 Dec 09 - Paris Yellow Vest Protests

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It's the run up 'til Christmas and rather than the 2 calling birds or 3 french hens, the French government dispersed tear gas in Paris. Police fired into the crowd as a fourth weekend of anti-government protests turned violent. 8000 police and 12 armoured vehicles have been deployed in Paris and if you think you hear 12 drummers drumming, it's probably the sound of those 12 armoured vehicles being pelted with rocks, or possibly oyster shells and wine bottles because it's Paris and why not enjoy ......

2018 Dec 01 - That Brexit Bill

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This week we got to see Theresa May in action. Wait, hang on, there's no space in there, it's one word: inaction. This week we saw inaction from Theresa May, a lack of action or persuasion, the amount of productive work you'd normally more associate with a Mediterranean country on a hot afternoon. Even she knows the Brexit bill is terrible but her advisors think that promoting it alongside Jeremy Corbyn on a BBC televised debate might make it seem more palatable, like a prawn sandwich that's pas ......

2018 Nov 24 - Brexit deal "like the Titanic"

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Theresa May has a couple of different residences: sometimes she lives in Number 10 Downing Street, sometimes Chequers but for the most part she's living in fear and denial.

She's also living in cloud-cuckoo-land as she flies off this weekend to get the EU to sign off on her deal, under the misapprehension that a majority of MPs will vote for it when it comes back to Westminster. When you see the prime minister talking about how great an idea her deal is, it very much reminds of a contestant on ......
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